Mommy of an angel

Does She Know?

2011-08-09T22:57:00.001-04:00

My Missing Baby - by Unknown Author

Does she know how much I love her?
Does she know how much I care?
Can she feel my arms around her?
Even though she isn’t there?

Can she feel the hurt I carry,
Deep inside here in my heart?
Can she see me cry these tears,
Because we are apart?

Does she miss me, like I miss her,
From the depths of my very soul?
Is it warm where she is?
Not like this world - so cold.

Does she see me when I’m lonely?
Feeling empty, low and blue.
Oh God, I hope she sees me,
In everything I do.

I just need to know she’s near me,
So I can breath her baby smell.
I need to feel her in my arms,
So many things I want to tell.

I want to tell her that I miss her,
And how much I love her so,
I need her to know how much I need her
How I didn’t want to let go ……..

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PTSD

2011-08-09T00:03:00.007-04:00

Posttraumatic stress disorder (also known as PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma.^[1]^[2]^[3] This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one's own or someone else's physical, sexual, or psychological integrity,^[1] overwhelming the individual's ability to cope. As an effect of psychological trauma, PTSD is less frequent and more enduring than the more commonly seen acute stress response.

Diagnostic symptoms for PTSD include re-experiencing the original trauma(s) through flashbacks or nightmares, avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, and increased arousal – such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance. Formal diagnostic criteria (both DSM-IV-TR and ICD-10) require that the symptoms last more than one month and cause significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.^[1]

After we lost Janessa I suffered from PTSD. My daughter had died and if things had gotten worse, so could of I. Before losing her I only related PTSD to what I had heard on television and for the most part I connected PTSD with soldiers coming back from war. I did not realize that I was suffering from it until months had already passed. It was intense for about 7 months. Looking back I should have sought out treatment. I tried reaching out about my depression but every doctor I turned to either told me to get pregnant again or just didn't understand why I was still such a mess. There was only one doctor who understood. By the time I had the strength to reach out again to her, she had moved away.

In the first few months every loud noise I heard would make want to drop and curl up into a ball. A door would slam and I would feel as though my body fell to pieces. My nerves and psyche had been shattered by her death and everything made me jumpy. All my coping mechanisms were being maxed out and any additional startle, noise, problem would make me crumble.

I remember one incident so very clearly...

It was the day after we had come home from the hospital. JJ, who was almost 6 at the time, had been acting very hyper since hearing the news. We had sat him down the night before and told to him his sister had died. We attempted to explain to him, in terms he could understand, what had happened. He has never been the same little boy since. The change in him was almost instant. That little protected bubble of innocence he lived in had been popped. He was trying to cope as well. Unfortunately he was acting up and it felt as though he was "bouncing off the walls". At one point my hubby sternly and loudly told him to stop and to go to his room. We were all on edge. We were devastated and no one was thinking clearly. JJ became very upset. So did I. JJ started to cry and I fell apart where I was sitting. I began to sob hysterically. I must have scared JJ even more. I knew this and I still couldn't stop.

That still haunts me.

That was the first incident with PTSD after returning home without our daughter and this continued for months. Not so dramatically but everything was heightened. I could not cope with anything. I worried about EVERYTHING. I was so scared something was going to happen to JJ and we would have to bury another child. I would lay there and scenarios of losing JJ would play throughout my head. I would become physically ill.

(Read this, this situation had me to the brink of insanity. I look back on it and understand why I acted the way I did. I know I would still be frightened but I definitely would have handled things a bit better had we not been grieving parents.)

I replayed the events of the day Janessa died dozens of times over and over in my mind each day. From the minute I knew something was wrong to seeing her tiny pink coffin sitting next to my father's grave. Sometimes it was long story. Sometimes it was random flashes of certain moments of the ordeal. Sleep was no escape. My dreams would feel as though I was reliving every minute again. I would wake up drenched in sweat. My clothes, the pillow, the sheets. I wished so hard to wake up one morning and have this all just some long horrible nightmare.

I boxed myself up in my house. When we had to go to the store we traveled thirty minutes away so we had less chance of running into anyone we knew. Or better yet having people we knew well avoid us because they had no idea what to say or do. I hated seeing someone we knew and having them talk as if everything was normal. I hated knowing people's lives were still going on. Our life had stopped. We were on pause. It pissed me off when people laughed, smiled, joked, had fun, or complained about some trivial problem. How dare them. Didn't they know my daughter was dead?

I didn't answer phone calls. My only connection to the outside world was through my computer. There I could respond to people when I was up to it. There I could blog my feelings out instead of having the same conversation ten times with different people. There I could reach out to the babyloss community and finally feel like someone understood me.

If I had been working I would have never been able to return to work. I was not functioning.

I was unable to keep up with chores, bills, cooking, life. I was drowning in grief.

My husband stayed home on the FMLA for about a month and then went back temporarily. He later took some more time off because he was not ready to go back. When he did go back to work, I would wake up each morning, get JJ ready and off to school and then I would spend the entire day sobbing. I would pull myself together right before he came home. Later on in my grief when the nightmares subsided, sleep became my escape. I would send him off to school and go back to sleep and stay there as long as I could to escape my reality.

When I was awake the world felt gray and dull. Some days I felt numb. Some days I hurt so bad I wished I felt numb. Some days I hated the numb feeling because I missed feeling normal. I was existing but I felt dead.

When JJ was home on summer vacation that year, we would sleep late, I would get his breakfast and then many days I ended up back in bed. Even on the days I was awake I was completely checked out. Thinking back on that time makes me so very sad for him.

We did get counseling for JJ. We were not equipped to help him as we were struggling ourselves. I am glad in our fog we were able to see clearly enough for that, for him.

Towards the one year mark is when I was able to start functioning daily again. I found a lot of healing and some closure with Janessa's one year memorial service. People got this twisted and thought I was all better. People have this one year timeline, or less, in their head about appropriate time for grieving. That second year was still very very hard.

As the months went on the PTSD symptoms subsided slowly. I still have residual effects from it. I will always handle situations very differently now. I am not naive to what can happen in life. I know never to say, "That won't happen to me..." I know it can. It did.

Losing Janessa was life changing. I learned HUGE lessons. Some of those I wish I didn't have to learn. Good did come of them. I feel as though in many ways I am a much better person.

It took a lot to get to the place where I could live a little again. I grieved hard, and because I did, because I let grief run its course and continue to do so, because I succumbed to it, didn't rush it or suppress it, is why I am where I am today. Each day is still a lesson for me on how to live my life without her, how to live in the moment and not the "should'ves". I find joy more easily now. I don't feel as guilty but that is still there at times. I have more hope that the future will continue to feel better.

Almost 26 months later, I am still searcing for closure, for peace. I am unsure that can ever be attained. Her void is so incredibly large in my life. What I have done is accepted that she is gone. I can't will her back. If I could she would be here. So I will continue to do good in her memory and one day, maybe, there will be peace in my heart, even if I have to wait until she returns to my arms.

.......

The point of this post was to allow a glimpse in. I doubt that many of you knew how much emotional and mental trauma we endured. People tend to dismiss her death as one that is easier to deal with. It was in no way easy or easier in any way. It has left scars that a lifetime will never heal. What I can do in this lifetime is spread understanding of our situation. I can spread awareness that babyloss is not taboo. That it should not be swept under the rug while the parents are left to fend for themselves. I am sure many other families who have lost a child have suffered PTSD as well. If this post can help a future family have empathy and support by those surrounding them, then I have made some more good come out of her life.

2011-07-12T01:59:00.001-04:00

I recently wrote about grief tidal waves. Yesterday I was hit by one.

I knew the date of Janessa's original due date was approaching. July 11th, 2009. It's been two years but it still stings so painfully. It is a date I will never forget. This is because of two reasons. One, it was the date our daughter was expected to be ready to enter our world, our family. Second, it landed on the anniversary of a dear friend's death. I can't help but think there was some meaning in those two sharing that date. Two lives taken way too soon. I like to think he checks in on her now and then, wherever their spirits reside.

The day kind of snuck up on me. I knew it was coming but in times like these I believe my subconscious takes over and blocks out some awareness. This may be my brain or bodies self preservation mode.

I woke up this morning feeling extra heavy with sadness. JJ was not underfoot as much as usual so when the baby went down for his first morning nap, I was able to check out and have a little cry-it-out time. It was long overdue. I had these short bursts throughout the day. The wave still hasn't released me.

I held JD a little extra yesterday. I cried as I stared at him in his crib and as I rocked him in his nursery. As I sit in that rocker and look around the room, I still see the purple paint behind the blue. I see the plush butterflies on the chairs that now have airplanes and boats on them. I see what almost was.

I am grateful for what is. But the mother in me still does not know how to live without one her children.

In some alternate dimension, this past weekend may have been her second birthday party. As I sat this morning on my back porch, where I spent many hours in my initial grief, I tried to picture that life with her. I pictured the party that would have been held in our backyard. I could see her dress and her little pig tails with ribbons, and how they bounced as she gleefully ran throughout the yard. In my vision I was always just a arms reach away. I am too far away from her now. Her face though, eluded me. How I long for a glimpse of her. I have spent many hours dreaming of what she would have looked like.

In honor of her due date, my mother came over to tend to the boys so I could work on Janessa's memorial websites. I lit one of her memorial candles and placed it on the desk next to her picture while I worked and let it burn far into the evening.

I took a moment and studied her picture and tried to remember her being here, in my arms, where I was able to touch her. Those memories are not as vivid as they once were. I am clinging to them as hard as I can but they continue to slip away. But she was here. Sometimes I have to reiterate and convince myself of this because her time with us was a fleeting moment. SHE DID EXIST. She does exist, maybe in that other dimension and if not there, I know her energy exists. I know and feel this in my soul. Hers is out there somewhere.

Tonight after I had finished working, I held and stared at her picture again. As the candlelight flickered its glow upon her face, I stroked her cheek and wished for more...so much more.

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Tidal Wave

2011-06-14T00:42:00.015-04:00

I have tried to explain my grief many times in terms of waves and the feeling of drowning. It has now been 25 months since Janessa died. I no longer feel as though I am drowning. For the most part I am drifting along now. There are waves that knock me under for a little while but I pop back up to the surface more quickly now. How long I am under varies. Minutes, hours, days...but I know to hold on and things will feel better.

The tidal waves are what scare me. The smaller waves that crash down on me, I can almost feel coming. I am getting to know this grief so well now. I can feel the shift in the water and know the wave is on its way. Sometimes I brace for it and sometimes I don't bother. I have chosen to succumb to grief and let it run its natural course. These tidal waves though, they come out of no where.

Grief is sneaky. It hides behind corners... in movies, commercials, articles, in passing moments of remembrance, in bouncy two-year-old girls that pass by me in strollers, in a glance of a mother and daughter shopping together...I expect it, accept it and have learned how to work through it the best I can.

What I cannot expect are the tidal waves and their impact on me.

A few weeks back we went to a friend's little boy's first birthday. First birthdays are ok now. Second birthdays are the killers. I now understand that this will happen each year. The age she would be turning. The age she should be. The mom of the birthday boy played field hockey with me in high school and I also went to school with her boyfriend. She was one of the few who was not scared to reach out to me when Janessa died. I hold all those people so dear in my heart. I refer to them as my "grief-eaters". This couple also participated in Team Janessa both years. Last year she was almost due and ~~walked~~ waddled the whole three miles. This year their little man joined us for the walk.

Her pregnancy with him was scary. There was preterm labor scares and lots and lots of bedrest. I was worried for them. Definitley more than what I led on. I held faith that things were turn out good for them, and they did. Once he got used to being in their though he made himself comfortable and didn't want to come out. Not even those three miles triggered him to want meet his parents.

Attending functions for the first year of grief was hard. I worried about being hit by a wave while there. They came alot closer together then. I worried about being around pregnant bellies or little babies. I was scared their would be a little girl there. Now attending functions is much easier and as time continues to pass I do not dwell on the what-ifs as much beforehand. I definitely didn't before this birthday party.

When I was pregnant with Janessa I heard a childhood friend was pregnant as well. We had lost contact a long time ago as this childhood friend was when I was only around 7-9 years old. Her grandmother was my neighbor and we would play together when she visited. I still remember swinging on her swing set and tanning in the backyard with our one piece bathing suits while listening to New Kids on the Block. We felt so mature tanning like teenagers. The reason I knew she was pregnant was because she was naming her little girl Janessa as well. We live in a rather small town so people are connected and intertwined. Word travels fast here.

I remember when I heard she was naming her baby Janessa. I was at a birthday party for a little girl only months after Janessa's death and overheard a friend telling others the baby's planned name. The breath was knocked out of me. Janessa is not an extremely popular name so I don't hear it that often. I just didn't expect to hear it that day.

The mom of this baby and I became friends on facebook after Janessa died and after hers was born. Seeing her daughter, who was the same age my Janessa would be was hard. Seeing her name, although spelled a tiny bit different, felt like jabs on my heart. I had to block her posts, not for anything she did or said, just to protect my heart from unexpected waves. I visit her page sometimes when I am up for it.

While we were standing at the party watching their adorable little boy face dive into his cake...

...I saw her walk in. Her little Jennessa was trailing behind her. A beautiful blonde-haired, bright eyed, almost two year old little girl. I think I stopped breathing for a moment. I pulled out the strength I knew I needed and held my composure. I chit chatted with her mom. I could barely take my eyes off her little Jennessa. The conversation trailed off, my husband approached close by, as well as someone who then engaged the mom in another conversation. In that conversation came my tidal wave. The mom called out Jennessa's name. The sound of it hit me like a wall. Knowing she was referring to her healthy, vibrant daughter broke me. Another little Janessa who was born the same summer ours should have been. I saw the look on my husband's face. He tried to whisk up some small talk between us but it was too late. The tidal wave had crashed down on me and pushed me under. I was gasping for air. The tears formed, something that doesn't happen in public that often anymore. I walked away mid sentence of whatever my husband was saying to distract me. I headed over to our belongings all while hiding my eyes from any onlooker. He followed right behind. I told him I needed to leave, and without telling him why, he understood and remarked how it made him feel hearing her name. I gathered up our things, we said our goodbyes and we left. I fought the tears to the car. I couldn't believe how out of no where this wave had come. I had not prepared myself that day for the possibility of this to happen. I let my guard down.

Later that day the tidal wave released me. Rebound time is quicker now. Just as quickly as it comes in, it retreats. I am then left to clean up the mess it left behind. Clean up time varies. It depends on the cause of the tidal wave and what emotions and wreckage it leaves behind. I need to work through that cause and try and find some peace. Each wave is a lesson.

I miss her. I wish our little two year old Janessa was trailing behind me that day, and everyday.

This tidal wave was no ones fault. I don't want to be shielded from little girls, or even other little Janessas. That is unrealistic and would make me feel even worse. I do not expect people, nor want them to, try and protect me from reality. This just happens to be my reality and there are moments that sneak up and remind me of the grief that lays just beneath the surface.

Team Janessa 2011

2011-06-11T19:08:00.001-04:00

I tend to do these March For Babies posts late. Both years I have had to wait for the MOD to post the team pics up on their website. We bring a camera but for some reason we never seem to get a team pic with ALL the team members in it. There are always a few that sneak off to the bathroom!

We had another AMAZING turnout with both team members and donations. We had 45 team members make it to the walk and together we raised $3,035.00! We surpassed last year's total by $510.00!

Thank you to everyone for your support. Doing this in Janessa's name means so much to us. The money we raised will possibly prevent another family or families from experiencing the death of their child(ren). To spare a family the pain we carry, I would walk endless miles.

My friend Amy came the day before to help me do all the last minute preparations. She was such a huge help and I appreciate everything she did.

We did up some new shirts this year. Jonathan needed a new one & so did JD, as well as all the new team members that joined. We even had a surprise team member or two show up at the walk. This time we made her footprints her original size, added the pregnancy and infant loss awareness ribbon, and on the front of the shirt put her Butterfly Footprints.

JD wearing his big sis' team shirt

We made up buttons this year for the family and anyone else who wanted one to wear. I brought the extra ribbons from her one year memorial service to pin on as well.

My cousin, Jen, surprised us by having bracelets made up for all the team members. They have her name on it as well as white butterflies. Each time I see a white butterfly I think of Janessa. She only wore two outfits and both were white. The symbolism of the butterfly is why I created Butterfly Footprints. The bracelets also happen to be the color of the March For Babies.

The weather was slighlty better than last year. We are hoping that we will get lucky one year with sunshine! It would be nice to take it a bit slower and be able to take in the day for what it is. A day to help all babies have a chance at life and a day to pay special remembrance to our baby girl.

The place we walk is very nice. There are three different location MOD walks in our state and we choose this one. Last year we had many of our team members epxress how much they enjoyed it. This year quite a few members inquired to us about whether or not we were doing it in the same spot and were glad we chose to do so. This will probably be the location we use each year.

After you completed the walk they handed you a sticker to show you "did it". When JJ approaced the finish line, the gentleman asked JJ who he was walking for. JJ told him that it was for his sister Janessa. The man then asked if she was here. JJ told him "No, she is in heaven." That volunteer gave JJ both a sticker for him and one for Janessa. He has it in a bag ready to bring it to the cemetery for her.

Riding three miles in a stroller really works up your appetite.

Miss Mikhaila here was due one month after Janessa.
Isn't she a doll?

And wipes you out.

We did a small balloon release before we left the park. We wrote some messages to her on the balloons. Thank you Kim for bringing those for us.

After the walk some of the team joined us for lunch. It was nice to spend some time with them.

I remember sitting at my computer the morning of the day before the walk. I checked the team page and the emotions took over me. I sat and I sobbed. I was so touched by the generosity that our friends and family were doing in Janessa's name.

Her life may have been brief but she continues to impact this world.

Signed. Sealed. Delivered.

2011-06-04T22:03:00.005-04:00

I was going to write a post going over the play by play of my most recent doctor visit with my new primary care physician. Instead I am pasting the letter I wrote to her. I get sick to my stomach each time her words replay in my head. You will all get the main idea of my unbelievably awful experience.

I am unsure why I have such bad luck with doctors. I had such a horrible experience with my previous primary care doc right after Janessa died. (You can read here) I wish my high risk ob could be my one and only doctor so I could spare myself these encounters.

I hope my next doctor works out.

Below is the letter with only a few small changes of personal information.
_______________________________________

June 4, 2011

Dr. X,

After I left your office on Friday and had time to sit with my experience with you, I knew I had two things to do. First was to switch primary care doctors and second was to write this letter. The visit to your office on June 3^rd was a horrible experience and one I do not wish to repeat.

I understand you have never experienced the death of your child. Unless you have carried a child, loved that child and then had to bury that child you couldn’t possibly understand. I would not wish that on any parent. What I would wish for everyone, is to possess some compassion. Something you seem void of. I understand as a doctor you have learned to separate your emotions from your work. I agree in some cases that it is necessary. I also believe there is a time to call upon your human emotions while dealing with your patients.

While expressing my struggle with anxiety and the death of my daughter with you, I teared up. It has been only two years since our little girl passed and I still experience moments of sadness. Her two year anniversary was only two weeks ago and emotions are currently raw. Telling me I should have only grieved for one year was insulting to me and would be to any loving parent. You may have read in some text book somewhere about a one year grief timeline but the pain & grief of losing a child does not have a time limit. We did not wake up on the day after her one year anniversary and suddenly feel healed. Grief does not work on a schedule or have a cookie cutter mold.

Grief is not something I enjoy. I wish she had not died and was here with her family. But she did and that is a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own time line, not mine - or yours. It has already eased some and I am sure it will continue to do so as the years go on. I am NOT having a “prolonged grief reaction” as you stated. My reaction is a perfectly natural response to loss of a child. Her death was unnatural and losing a child is traumatic. The bond between parent and child is unlike any other. It is completely unrealistic to think that losing a child is so easy to “get over”. You never get over it. You grieve, you deal, you accept and it becomes intertwined into your life. I think about my daughter each and everyday and will do so my entire life.

I have worked hard on my grief. I succumb to it & worked through it to be at the place I am today. I raise my two boys and function daily. I feel joy each day. I have learned to enjoy life again. Not quite like before but I am sure that will return in time as well. Grief does still sneak in but how can it not? That is normal. One of our children is not here with us. Feeling sad about the death of a child only two years later is NOT abnormal as you seem to think it is. In fact I will grieve the loss of my daughter my entire life, although the grief will change with time.

When you told me “It is time your new baby starts erasing your pain.” I was appalled. He has filled our lives with additional joy but he did not come here with a job. We did not bring him into our family to rid us of grief. We had him to join our family. To share our love with. Not be a cure or eraser of our pain. To have him be born with a “job” would be extremely selfish of us.

I was also insulted at your suggestion we adopt a little girl so we could have a girl in the family. I would not adopt a little girl to replace our daughter. I could never imagine putting a little girl in such a position. The thought of having her grow up and learn about her sister’s death and think she was there to fill some void breaks my heart. Imagine how she would feel. Another little girl would not be a fix to our daughter’s death. Children are not replaceable and should not be adopted to fulfill a purpose imposed on by their parents. They should be adopted because you want to open your heart and share your love and family with them. Exactly why we had our third child.

After opening up to you about the mild anxiety I experience from time to time and the death of my daughter, I was shocked at your so-called medical diagnosis. Like you stated, you are no psychiatrist correct? You knew me for approximately five minutes before suggesting that. Some watery eyes and anxiety does not equal such an extreme diagnosis. I hope you do not throw out such serious diagnosis’ so easy on a regular basis. You took little time to understand my anxiety and sadness. Letting me finish my sentences would have been a start. I resent the fact that you now have that on my medical records, especially after saying to me twice “you do not have this disorder” and then still dictating that into your notes. Please remove that immediately since you do not have the background to make such a diagnosis. I will be requesting a copy as well as my new physician.

Maybe you should do some research on the process of grief. Educate yourself in an area you seem to have little understanding or compassion of. Possibly brush up on your mental health information as well.

I hope this letter wakes you up to your poor bedside manner. I hope that you think about your words before they exit your mouth. I hope you can dig down deep and pull out some empathy when the situation calls for some. That will help you fulfill the oath you took to heal. What my biggest wish is for, is to possibly spare another grieving parent the additional pain you have caused me.

　
- Malory
http://www.compassionatefriends.org

“Grief, the most profound form of sorrow,

demands the support and compassion
of our fellow human beings"
-Alan D Wolfelt

The Bereaved Mother

2011-05-31T22:48:00.000-04:00

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,

but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

- Author Unknown

International Babyloss Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-27T23:19:00.000-04:00

Last year I had an amazing IBLMD with two wonderful mommas. I wrote about it here.

For those unfamiliar with International Babyloss Mother's Day, you can visit the official website to learn more.

I knew that I defnitely wanted to have another meet up again this year. Unfortunately Stephanie was unable to attend but I did meet up with Kristin from Once A Mother again..

Last year at our balloon release we had a beautiful thing happen. When looking at the pictures of the release we saw three baby faces in the clouds. You can read about & see the pics on that post. It was an amazing sign from our little girl's. As a gift this year Kristin brought me a picture of the release in a beautiful angel frame with Janessa's name in beads across the top.

A crazy detail about this is we all became pregnant very shortly after that day. I was already but did not know yet. We have all gone on to have healthy rainbow babies. Actually Kristin went on to have twins!

We met up with our children & husbands. We had lunch at a park, went for a walk and then visited Janessa's grave. We had visited Kristin's daughter Peyton's grave last year. At the cemetery we released some balloons in honor of our daughter's.

I find that last shot breathtaking.

I wish we would have had more time that day but JJ had baseball practice that afternoon.

We did not get a chance to snap a pic of the rainbows but we are hoping to meet up again soon.

Thank you Kristin for sharing this special day with me again.

The Chase

2011-05-16T11:53:00.005-04:00

A little baby is crying.

I can hear it. My oldest son JJ can hear it too.

It is a haunting cry.

He starts to run towards the sound of it. I understand why he does but I know he shouldn't. I yell to him "No! JJ come back!".

He continues to run. Fast, frantically. JJ does have so much speed when he runs.

I keep calling to him and then I take off after him.

I continue to yell, "JJ, stop!". He ignores me and keeps going.

I can feel how badly he wants to reach this baby.

But he cannot.

I seem to know this already. I know that we could forever run and we would never get to that baby.

He keeps on running and it feels aimless to me even though he knows where he wants to get to.

I can still hear the cry. I know it can't be her. Can it?

I am now sobbing, I yell out,"JJ!...please stop!...come back!........she is dead."

The baby's cries stop.

I finally catch up to him. He never did reach her.

I know she is close by. I can feel it. But I know she is out of reach.

I grab him, we fall to the ground. We are both crying.

The baby is silent.

She is gone. Again.

________________

Dreams have a way of pulling out so much of your subconcious. I had this one this morning.

You see we chased the dream of having a baby girl/little sister for 31.5 weeks.

We were so excited. JJ was too.

We almost had her. We were so close. She was almost in our reach for us to have forever.

It haunts me each and every day that we did not get to hear Janessa cry. The sound of the silence in the room when she was born was deafening.

We did not have JJ come to the hospital until after we gave Janessa to the nurse. It was the biggest mistake and regret I have. I feel sometimes his grief would be easier to navigate if he had met her. There would be so much less for him to wonder about. He "chased" information and details about her for months after her death. He still frequently does. We have told him all we can but his little mind still churns and processes. As he gets older he will process her death over and over again far into adulthood.

The sound of JJ sobbing at her funeral still at moments echoes in my ear. The pain and sadness he was feeling that day, I wish I could have taken it away for him.

God knows I would run forever to get to her.

But as much as I want to it would be aimless...she is out of reach.

Two Years

2011-05-14T01:01:00.002-04:00

That is how old you would be today.

I wish I could get a glimpse of the two-year-old you. I stare at your picture and wonder so often.

I remember your big brother JJ at two. How smart he was. How much fun he was. You would be so full of life right now. You would be learning so much and we would be living and seeing the world again through your fresh set of eyes.

They tell me that you will never have to experience the pain of this world. The ugliness that seems to be more prominent by the day. I try to find comfort in that. To know that you only knew love here and now you only know peace.

You will never have teary eyes or a broken heart. But I have trouble with that. You see, my sweet Janessa, I wanted to wipe those teary eyes and kiss away the pain. I wanted to protect your heart and when the time came when I no longer could I wanted to help mend it.

This world can be an ugly place but it is also incredibly beautiful. Life can be full of pain - your death has shown us an extreme of that but life is also full of joy and beauty. Beauty you do not get to experience. I picture you in the most beautiful place of all and you may see beauty that I cannot fathom but I wanted to watch you grow and experience this beauty here with us.

Maybe one day I can arrive at a place where I can take full comfort in knowing that you are where we all hope to be. But now I sit here and selfishly wish you back to my arms.

I long for you more than my written words could ever tell.

We have a special day planned out today. Visit with us if you can.

Happy 2nd Heavenly birthday Janessa.

Mommy loves you.

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May 13th

2011-05-13T23:45:00.005-04:00

Pic sent to me today from Mary Yee. Thank you.

Today was a beautiful spring day. Exactly like the one on this day two years ago.

This date will always lay so heavy on my heart. Two years ago today her little heart stopped beating and ours shattered.

Last night I could not sleep. The whole timeline of events played over and over in my mind. These flashbacks come so often still but these were so intense it felt like I was physically there. I felt the fear, the devastation, the shock, the pain. I cannot believe I survived this.

So much has happened in these past two years. They seem to have flown by so quickly. I am able to function but the grief...the grief is still very present. Tears lay behind each blink, pain is still behind each smile. I think about her all day.

I have read so many times how year two is just as hard as year one but in different ways. It is so very true.

To know I have to live without her for the rest of my life can be at times completely overwhelming. I feel so weak, so broken. There are moments where I feel as though there may come a time where I can no longer be strong. I fear a future meltdown where this all becomes just too much.

There are days where I look into the mirror and see these eyes looking back. They are new eyes. Still stranger-like. I have been trying to get used them since she died. They lack the spark they once held. I see sadness. They fool many but they have seen things no mother should.

Some days I look myself in the mirror and have to talk myself into being able to go on with the day. I tell myself how I have made it thus far and I can do one more day. I still take one day at a time. People think and tell me they admire my strength. What they don't see is the mom, wife, woman who still struggles with everyday tasks. I still find daily duties to be incredibly overwhelming. Some days around here I label as "FAIL" at the end of the day. I have learned to accept these. To cut myself some slack.

Each day I acknowledge all I do have in life to be grateful for. I use this as motivation to keep on trudging through the waves of emotions that at times almost pull me under. I have learned to accept the wax and wane of grief. I ride the waves instead of drowning in them now.

I hold onto the words and writings of other moms who are much farther on this path of childloss. They tell their stories and write how with time the pain continues to dull but they say it never ceases. I don't know how it ever could. I hold onto the promise of days where the pain is not so intense. To days where I may feel complete joy again...or take my first real deep breath again.

I know that some days she is sending me some extra love. Her spirit finds me and pushes me on. It is the only explanation how I have made it this far.

If she comes to visit me I wonder if as I sit here typing this, if she is sitting close by me wiping the tears that are falling down my cheeks.

If you are sweet angel, or if my words find you, please send Daddy some extra love. His heart has been so heavy lately.

I love you babygirl.

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When A Baby Dies

2011-05-07T20:59:00.004-04:00

For those who never had to experience the death of their child...

Have you ever wondered what it would be like?

Growing up there were some tragic accidents that happened where kids my age at the time died. I always thought of their parents. I wondered how they could live with the pain and what it was like for them. I imagined how unbearable that pain must be.

When I was in high school a person I knew lost two babies. I could not fathom what that would be like. Little did I know what life had in store for me.

When I became a parent losing one of my children became my biggest fear in life. I thought of those parents a bit different then. I was closer to understanding what their loss was like because I now knew what the love for your child is like. It is a love you can never imagine until you become a parent yourself. I always wondered how a parent could go on living without their child. To have it actually happen to me broke every piece of me. It changed every fiber of my being. Almost two years out and I am still very broken.

Some of the parents I thought of had lost older children but they were still their babies. The age of the child at death does not make it less or more painful. The age just impacts the details of the grief, not the level of the grief.

I have had so many people reach out to me with immense compassion. Some parents themselves, some not. I have been told by many that they had no idea what I was going through but they were trying to understand. It blew me away to think they wanted to know what the pure torture I was enduring was like. We originally felt so alone. Because Janessa died hours before she was born we felt as though people thought her death wasn't as tragic and somehow easier to deal with. IT WAS PURE HELL. Some days are still a struggle to get through. Thinking of those early days of grief can instantly put me into sobs. The emotional pain was literally physical pain. The fact that some people recognized her death as equal to anybody else's gave us some comfort. I was carried by their love and support on so many of my bad days.

For those who have wondered as well, the video below is a pretty accurate description of what the first year of my grief was like. At almost 2 years later I still have days like this.

Thank you to those who tried to understand & those who continue to do so.

May

2011-05-05T14:33:00.002-04:00

Janessa's Garden

The month of May has arrived.

May brings warmer weather, flowers, the smells of spring, sunshine and new life.

New life. May did bring me new life. JJ was born on Thursday, May 29th in 2003. After that, May represented the time we recieved our most treasured gift in life. Our son. For whom we had a type of love we had never known before. I looked forward to planning each of his birthdays and those who know me in real life know I throw one heck of a party.

Six years later May brought me death. Thursday, May 14th, 2009 our beautiful daughter was born still after passing the day before. Holding her in our arms we once again felt the love of what only a parent could know but this time- May also brought us pain and sadness. Pain we never could have imagined. The worst type of sadness that exists in this world.

We buried our child on Monday, May 18th, 2009.

May and I now have a love/hate relationship. Each May we get to celebrate JJ. We give thanks that he is here and has filled our lives with such love and joy. Although I think he is growing too fast I still look forward to his birthday. A day just for him. A day that represents so much.

It is him who allowed us to keep trudging on through that pain. I am scared to think where I would have let myself go if he didn't give me reason to keep living.

But now each May I endure my daughter's birthday without her. I visit a cemetary instead of a party. I bring her gifts, flowers and balloons and hope no one takes them off her plot. We sing happy birthday to a cold headstone instead of holding our little girl in our arms feeling her warm arms around us.

The days leading up to her angelversary, birthday and each holiday are always worse than the actual days themselves. I can feel it- the extra weight on my chest, the tears building behind every blink, the sadness that I feel throughout my entire body.

I miss her so much.

We have planned out what to do on her birthday this year. We just have to work out the details. Last year we had a large memorial but this year will be low key. It will be her daddy, her two brothers and I spending the day thinking of her, celebrating our love for her and enjoying life that day--for her.

"As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us."
-Author Unknown

JD's 4 Month Letter

2011-05-03T23:54:00.002-04:00

JD,

You turned 4 months old on April 27th. That was last Wednesday. Yesterday you turned 18 weeks. How are you 4 months old already? How quickly the time is passing. I want to pause these moments. Freeze this time with you. But I know all too well that the pause button doesn't work not even when you plead for it. So I will cherish each day with you. Burn these moments into my memory all while trying to enjoy & stay in the moment.

Today at your 4 month check up you weighed in 15 pounds and you were 25 1/4 inches long. I have nicknamed you my chunkey monkey and my rolie polie. Your chubbiness just makes you that much cuter!

Since you were out of character and extremely fussy after your last vaccines we decided to split them up today. We will have to go back in a month for the second half. I hope you feel well tomorrow when you wake up.

You are probably the happiest baby I have ever known. You greet us each morning with the biggest smile, smiles actually. You instantly put me into a good mood. Thank you for that. Mommy needs that still. Your morning good moods could stem from the fact that you sleep about 10-12 hours straight each night. You have done this since 9 weeks old. You usually fall asleep all on your own between 7:30-9 p.m. and awake around 6:00-8:00 a.m. Mommy thanks you :)

I have read a few times about rainbow babies being extremely happy babies. I am starting to believe there may be something to that!

During the day you drink about 7 ounces every 3-4 hours. You mostly drink 4 bottles a day. Your reflux is still a nuisance but the medicine you are on seems to keep you comfortable without pain. You even smile right after spitting up! You no longer make the faces while spitting up like you are in pain. Since you feel better so does Mommy!
Your new little rock and play seems to help as well. It keeps you inclined and you now sleep in there in place of your bassinet which you outgrew. WE LOVE IT and wish we had it from the start. You are not a noisy sleeper anymore. There are no more grunts and groans but I was able to capture it on camera for you to listen to when you are older. Thought you should know what you put us through :)

Now that you are more comfortable you let mommy get more things done around the house. I enjoyed carrying you or wearing you in a sling but your weight was wearing on my shoulders & back. Now you excitedly play on the floor with your play gym and love to pull on your dangling toys. Sometimes you play until exhaustion!

You are starting to pick your legs all the way up and also kick them in the air. You once again enjoy bathtime now that you kick and splash mommy the entire time! I am looking forward to see you playing with your little feet.

Your head control is getting stronger and once Mommy can get Daddy to put it together you should have fun playing in your excersaucer.

You can roll from your tummy to your back and have done this from very early on but due to your reflux tummy time around here is very limited. We try once in awhile but your tummy doesn't agree with it and usually ends in a mess. We will keep trying.

You little man are teething. There is no question. On April 14th I found the little tip of the tooth that is trying so fiercely to exit your gum. It is right under the surface but has yet to emerge. You are a drool monster and since you have already started bringing your toys to your mouth, everything goes in there now! I swear you may chew off your finger.

Your favorite thing right now is chewing on your burp cloths. Mommy uses Gerber cloth diapers for burp cloths and they have become your "blankey" or "lovey". When you are sleepy you love to cuddle it to your face. I make sure to bring an extra one with us wherever we go.

Going back to how happy you are...on April 16th Daddy got your first real laugh. Leading up to that Mommy would only get these half chuckles. You would try to laugh but it was almost as if it got stuck in your throat. You have only done a real laugh once or twice more since that day. You are really making us work for them!

Your big brother thinks you are just the cutest little kid ever. He quite frequently and randomly tells us how cute he thinks you are. He says, "JD is sooo cute I wanna squeeeze him 'til he pops!". Doesn't sound too nice but he means it with love. Don't worry we won't let him pop you. He is also starting to teach you life lessons. The other day while your big bro was unhappily doing his homework, you were fussing near him in your chair... JJ looks over at you & says "JD, life is rough sometimes." Now this is true JD but life can be sweet too.

We love you JD. We look forward to watching you continue to grow but if you can would you slow down a bit!?

Love,

Mommy xoxo

Room Reveal

2011-04-27T22:35:00.000-04:00

I thought I would show you all how JD's nursery turned out. You all have read my many posts about how special Janessa's nursery was to me & how very emotional the process of remodeling it was. In the end I felt able to begin packing away her items and preparing for her little brother's arrival. It took me almost umtil the end of the pregnancy to really start doing anything to the room. I needed to do it in my time. When I felt ready.

It turned out very nice. I chose a theme that he could stick with up until 5 years old or so. With JJ I chose a baby theme and he quickly outgrew his room decor. JD's room is a very comfortable place. I chose calming colors for the walls and I really do feel relaxed while in there. JD seems to be the same. I sometimes bring him in there when he is being a bit fussy.

So here are some pics.....

As you enter...

A stereo for his lullabies :)

Full of toys...

What do you all think?

The Arrival of JD (part three)

2011-04-17T22:27:00.002-04:00

...Continued from The Arrival of JD (part two) (missed part one? Read that here)

The nurses brought him over to me in only a diaper. I untied my gown and we were able to have skin to skin contact. It was amazing. I have tears in my eyes as I type this.

We had originally planned to have some alone time with just us for a little while, then bring JJ in and then later everyone else. We sent for JJ earlier than expected because we were so excited for them to meet. He had been waiting for this moment as long as we had been. I will never forget JJ walking in the room and his reaction to him. He came in rather excited and he came over to get a good look. He then became very quiet. I think the thought of "who is this baby laying on my mommy?" was running through his head. He stayed quiet that first night and was observing the happenings around him.

The family was anxious as well. They came in shortly after. I never gave him up. He stayed on me skin to skin until everyone had gone home for the night.

Our nurse who came on at 3 pm was working until 3 am that night. She was able to be there for the birth (11:36 pm) when normally she would have left at 11 pm. She was amazing and I am so happy she was there as was she. Right before 3 am she escorted us to the post partum room and helped us get settled in. We met our new nurse. We were exhausted. They wanted to take JD so I could get some sleep. I knew I needed rest but the thought of that nurse taking him out of the room made me sick to my stomach. The last time a nurse walked out of the hospital room with my baby she never returned to my arms. I didn't see her again until she was in her casket. I started having major anxiety. My husband wanted some sleep and he didn't seem to think twice about them taking him for a few hours. I do not beleive he had any idea what I was going through at that moment. I eventually reluctantly let them take him.

My nurse came back in to give me some pain meds and she said "you have an angel as well". I smiled and nodded and a moment later it hit me...she was talking about Janessa and she was a mommy of an angel too. She went on to say that she too lost her daughter, her second child in at 20(something) weeks pregnant. She told me her daughter's name which was beautiful and we exchanged sympathetic glances. I wish she hadn't caught me off guard as I would have had so much more to say.

My husband fell asleep rather quickly but I...I cried myself to sleep. I almost had the nurse bring him back him.

Maybe an hour later our nurse came in and said they had given him his first bath. She expressed that he was lethargic. She said that the babies usually fuss or cry during their bath and he didn't seem to flinch. He stayed calm the whole time. She said his vitals were all good. She told me the pediatrician would check him out in the morning. When she left every crazy thought ran through my mind. I was extremely scared. I am not sure how long after but she was concerned enough that she decided to bring him back in the room so she could put him back on me for more skin to skin time. When she did he became a little more active. She said that was the most alert she had seen him and he really wasn't doing much.

The pediatrician checked him out later that morning and he was doing much better. That was a relief.

My husband then finally got to hold him.

When JJ came the next day he proudly wore his "big brother" shirt again and was able to hold JD.

I could not seem to take my eyes off of him.

I had envisioned this day for so long. Imagined what he may look like. I loved feeling him in my arms.

His ultrasound pics made us think he would look so much like his daddy. I remember glancing at him for the first time when he was under the warmer and thinking how completely wrong we were! He came out looking just like big brother.

Janessa looked like Jayden does now but JD looks like JJ did when he was baby.

We also took our first family picture.

JD was doing ok but he would have these terrible gagging episodes. It was as though he was trying to cough up mucus but it would get stuck in his throat and he couldn't seem to get a breath. He would turn red but moments later he would gasp some air. IT WAS AWFUL. I freaked, I mean FREAKED out every single time. I would panic so much I would shake. We must of paged the nurse atleast 10 times regarding this. She would come in pat his back and calm us down. He tended to do this during feedings quite a bit but also after a good length of time after feedings as well. I was a wreck. Due to this we stayed an extra night in the hospital.

They think because he had such a fast delivery his lungs did not have enough time to have all the fluid squeezed out of them in the birth canal. He continued to have these gagging episodes for about a month after he came home as well. Thank God I have a nurse for a neighbor :)

Besides the scary gaging fits the rest of the hospital stay was nice. We were looking forward to going home but I honestly liked having the nurses there to ease my anxiety. Well except for when one of the nurses we came to really like took about 20 years off my life when she asked me a question...

She took JD to have his hearing screening done. About 15 minutes later she came back in our room alone. I was in the bathroom when I heard her say slightly panicked..."Where's the baby?" to my husband. I got all jittery, tried to hold my composure, opened the bathroom door and exclaimed "You took him to his hearing test!". She replied "Oh oh that's right..I'm so sorry I came in here and didn't see the baby...". She honestly had a slight slip of the mind but that slip was enough to stop my heart from beating. In those seconds so many thoughts ran through my mind...was he kidnapped? etc... I was extremely happy when she wheeled him back in minutes later.

On Thursday December 30th we were discharged from the hospital. JD had his hospital pictures taken and then we got him all ready to go.

JJ and my mom were waiting for us at home. I was pretty much ready to go by that point although I would miss the reassurance of having a nurse right there.

We packed up everything and I was happy when they allowed me to walk out on my own instead of using a wheelchair. I had been trapped in a hospital room for 3 1/2 days and needed to stretch my legs and get some sunlight.

We walked down to the lobby and I sat on the bench while he pulled the car up front. I sat there thinking of the incredible journey we had been on for the past 19 months.

This time I was happy, relieved and incredibly grateful to be leaving the hospital with my arms full.

The Arrival of JD (part two)

2011-04-17T22:26:00.007-04:00

...Continued from The Arrival of JD (part one). Missed that one? Read it HERE.

Around 3:00 the shift changed. My second nurse ended up being AMAZING. She was so attentive and had a great personality. We talked about our history and Janessa. She spent most of the time in the room at her station. That was reassuring after all we had been through. Throughout the labor we lost JD's heartbeat a few times when he moved and we freaked out a bit. She came in eased us and found it rather quickly again.

A little after shift change my mother arrived with JJ. He was wearing his "big brother" shirt.

I had purchased it while expecting Janessa. I had planned to pack it away with Janessa's items and buy a new one but one day JJ saw it and asked "Mom, can I still wear that?". I said "Yes if you would like to". And so we hung it up in his closet to await the arrival of his little brother. Today was the day he finally got to put it on.

I didn't start feeling any contractions for quite awhile. When I did they felt like very mild period cramps. The all stayed under my belly button. The pain never stretched out from top to bottom like I had felt with my first two births. I kept waiting for them to intensify and become labor contractions. They sporadically felt a little stronger but for the most part they were a breeze. What killed me was the anticipation of them getting worse which never really happened.

They had offered to give me the epidural anytime I wanted it. I was on pitocin so the contractions would not be able to slow or stop. Since I was handling them so easily I opted to wait until I needed it. We watched on the monitor as they spiked up and down. I was amazed that the spikes were not too bad. I had two horrible birth experiences before JD's birth and I was just waiting for it to go bad.

My husband's mom, dad, sister and our niece showed up a couple hours after my mother and son, so maybe around 5. They stayed in the room awhile with us.

I was sooo hungry our nurse gave me two cups of jello to eat spaced out. She also gave some popsicles which helped some.

Around 7ish I started to get uncomfortable but it was still not horrible pain like my first two labors. I was getting tired and the contractions were starting to get a bit stronger. Most of my pain was coming from back labor. With JJ I had such extreme back labor that after the epidural didn't work with him I broke down and sobbed. I was scared it would happen again. I was now uncomfortable enough to want everyone to leave my room except my hubby of course. I opted to have the epidural before I was in too much pain. I was 4 cms dilated. I had been 2 cm dilated for a couple weeks prior to this day.

The epidurals I had with JJ and Janessa DID NOT work. The epi with JJ didn't do anything at all. There was no change from before they gave it to me to after. The one with Janessa worked for a short while. It did allow me to fall asleep for a short nap but then on one side the pain came back. The abruption pain never went away though. They were unable to adjust the epi and eventually I felt everything again.

This time when the anesthesiologist finally arrived I found myself so nervous. I had been in so much pain with JJ and Janessa that all I wanted then was relief! This time I was in pain but not enough to take away my fears. Luckily I had a great anesthesiologist this time. IT WORKED! When it first started to work my butt went numb and felt sooo heavy as well as my thighs. I started getting scared thinking something was wrong. They explained to me that is what it is suppose to feel like. I was amazed. I couldn't get over the pain relief. I must have thanked them a handful of times. They knew my history with epis and skepticism regarding the effects.

I thought they would break my water after the epi but they decided to hold off a bit. The family came back in. My hubby was starving so he ordered some food to be delivered sometime around 8 pm. I was soooo hungry and annoyed that he would be eating in front of me so I made him eat downstairs in the lobby.

They had mentioned they would break my water around 11 pm. My doctor was no longer on so I ended up having one of the docs we had on one of our visits to L&D triage. We really liked her as well so we were happy. When it was almost 11 pm we mentioned it to the nurse so she had her come in to check me. The family went back to the waiting room. When she checked I was 6 cm dilated. She broke my water and then left the room.

I brought a picture of Jayden and one of Janessa to have in the room with us. My husband positioned them where I could see them for when it was time to deliver so I could have something to focus on.

Fives minutes later I got intense pressure and pain. At first I thought the epi wore off. I paged the nurse. I told her the epi was no longer working. I was near tears. She mentioned that even though I was just checked 5 minutes prior and was only 6 cm she wanted the doc to come check again. She said she had seen labor and dilation progress rather quickly before. When the doc got there around 11:12 she checked and I was 9.5 cms. She manually took away the rest of the "lip" to get me to 10 cm. I went from 6-9.5 in about 10 minutes maybe less. They had to rush and get everything ready. The doctor had two residents come in with her now that it was delivery time. There was also an additional nurse. The pain now was excruciating. I started pushing around 11:24 pm. After a few pushes I heard the nurse say something softly to the doctor and the doctor replied "We need to get the baby out." On the next push he was delivered. I had only pushed for 12 minutes.

HE CRIED immediately. One of the sweetest sounds I have ever heard.

JD was born on December 27th, 2010 at 11:36 pm. He weighed 6 lbs 7 oz and was 20 inches.

Due to the scare they had to boycott our original plan of putting him straight on my chest. My husband was so nervous about him being ok he declined cutting the cord so they could quickly whisk him away and make sure he was healthy. The nurse later told me that his heartrate had dropped when I was pushed so thats what caused the concern & the last minute rush to get him out.

They checked him out and all was good.

Here is a short video clip of him minutes after birth:

JD minutes after birth from Every Life Has A Story on Vimeo. 12.27.10

I then finally got him in my arms.

To go on and read The Arrival of JD (part three) click HERE

The Arrival of JD (part one)

2011-04-17T22:25:00.007-04:00

I know this is looooonnnnggg overdue but there are a few reason why...

-I was overwhelmed. He was here. He was alive. I couldn't believe it. There are still times I look at him and I'm in awe.

-Four scary things happened while in the hospital and I get major anxiety just thinking about it. I know from writing this post I will still experience some which is completely opposite of what I feel normally when I blog. I usually get a sense of release, of peace.

So here goes...I am going to do this in 3 seperate parts because it would be extremely lengthy if I did not.

Before we left for the hospital

The night before our scheduled induction was the first real snowfall of the winter here. They also predicted a blizzard with 20 inches of snow! We could NOT believe that was happening. Thoughts ran through my mind that maybe this was a sign that we shouldn't induce early. That maybe we had made the wrong decision. The doctor had called the afternoon before to see if we would like to reschedule. My husband was completely confident we should keep our plan so we declined. I had some fear that if we waited just one extra day something would happen to him. I told my friend they would have to lock the hospital doors to keep me out! We didn't really expect the full 20 inches and we were correct...we only got about 6 inches!

We woke up and got ready. Our appointment was scheduled for 9:00 am. The nerves didn't really kick in until we were getting in the car. It felt awkward not being in labor and heading to the hospital to most likely deliver a baby! We stopped to get gas and my husband went in for coffee at the DD inside. I had him buy me a donut but never ate it due to my nerves. It was a quiet ride up there. I think we were both lost in our thoughts...and worries. Excitement was in there but with our history it was overshadowed a bit. The roads were not bad at all considering how little snow we ended up with.

When we reached the hospital we headed straight to ultrasound where the amnio would take place to make sure his lungs were mature. I was nervous but I had NO IDEA what I was in for.

When we were called in the tech did a quick biophysical to check on JD and locate the best pocket of fluid to insert the needle for the amnio. She then went to get the doctor who was on duty who had been doing these for 20 years. A few minutes later in walked my own doctor! She decided she would like to do it.

I had wondered why no one had told me any "stories" about their amnio when I discussed our plans to have one. I wondered why no one had commented on this blog telling me any details of what I was in for, good or bad. I NOW KNOW WHY. *OUCH!* It was so incredibly painful! In fact I would rather give birth. NO JOKE. It seemed like it took forever and it definitely took longer than what I was told it would. My hubby, who watched the entire thing unlike I who never even took a glance, said she didn't get enough fluid the first couple times she suctioned it so she had to do it a few times more. Not reinserting, just suctioning it a few times to get enough. I was pulling at my hair and pleading in my mind for it to be over. Knowing what I know now I would have waited until 38 weeks to skip the amnio!

After it was completed we went down the hall to my doctor's office to have a non stress test to make sure the baby was ok after the amnio. They put us in the exam room I always seemed to get. This is the room that just happes to have a picture of a rainbow colored by an elementary student hanging on its wall. I was monitored for what I believe was about 45 minutes and he was doing great. The results of the amnio were not back yet so they let me go down to the cafeteria to have a light late breakfast/early lunch. I was starving so it took everything I had not to eat a four course meal. I settled for two bowls of cereal, some tea & a granola bar. I'm pretty sure they meant for me to have a much lighter meal than that but telling a pregnant lady to eat light is like telling her not to breathe.

Our view from our room

We headed back upstairs to wait for the results. Finally the doctor came out, maybe around 12:30 or so and shook her head yes and said "follow me!". We were taken up to labor and delivery and brought into our room. I got settled into a lovely hospital gown and met our first nurse. After getting the worst IV, well actually 3 of the WORST IVs, of my life (*they usually go in so smoothly I don't flinch) they hooked me up to the machines to monitor JD's heartrate. I loved hearing his heart and I took comfort in the continuing sound of it.

I then glanced up on the wall and saw a picture of white picket fence. That is all it was. Some foliage and a white fence. It struck me. Since losing Janessa I have said over and over again how perfect our life had been before she died. I married my high school sweetheart, we had our little boy, we live in a place we currently love, I am a stay at home mom to our amazing son, we had a baby girl on the way and all we needed was that darn white picket fence. Now there one was staring me in the face. I wasn't sure what to make of it. If it meant anything, if it was some sort of sign..some message of sort...I don't know what it meant but I couldn't take my eyes off it.

We didn't really mental note the times all that well and it doesn't help that I am writing this three and half months later... I am pretty sure the pitocin was started around 2:00 pm...

Go on to read "The Arrival of JD (part two)" click HERE

What's in a Name?

2011-04-12T21:21:00.008-04:00

Apparently a lot of stress, tough decisions & tears!

My husband and his brother at our wedding 10.18.08

I have received quite a few inquiries regarding the choice of JD's middle name...here is the answer...

Before we went to bed the night before our scheduled induction for JD we had to come to a decision about his middle name. At this point we were just relieved we had a first name! Picking out his first name proved to be quite challenging!

Throughout the entire pregnancy my husband held onto this hope that we would use his father's name, William, as the middle name. We had endless conversations and honestly some heated discussions about it. I wouldn't budge. I just couldn't get it to flow nicely with any of the potential first names we had. I also tend to lean towards the more modern names. He wasn't happy. We used his first name, Jonathan, as JJ's middle name and he really wanted to have another family name be included in JD's. This is why we were at week 37 with no decision.

It was now crunch time so we had to get to it. I made a list with any name I sort of liked which compiled to 17 names. I was desperate to find one! My hubby went through and crossed out the ones he disliked. He picked out his top two (Alexander and Eli) and so did I (Jamison and Jayce). (*Jamison was the only boy name I had picked out while pregnant with Janessa and was the runner up for JD's first name). Since NONE of the middle names we chose were the same we had to do some negotiating. He crossed out one of mine out and I did the same for him. He scratched Jayce and I eliminated Alexander. We were then left to negotiate between Eli and Jamison.

Quite a few months back I had come across Eli (pronounced E-lie) and mentioned it to my hubby. His brother's name is Eliseo (pronounced El-lee-say-o) which is mispronouned by so many. We call him Eli (pronounced El-lee). Eliseo is also JJ's godfather. He now lives in Florida and has since a few months before JJ was born. When Janessa passed he jumped on the first flight and was there just hours after she was born. When he walked into the hospital room she was in my arms and within seconds of him entering he had whisked her into his. That day I saw pure love. She was gone but she was still his niece. He loved her unconditionally. It touched me in ways my typed words can not portray. I thought using Eli (E-lie) would be a nice way to incorporate a family name into Jordan's name even though it would be pronounced differently. My husband didn't really jump at it at the time since he was still holding onto William.

Now that we were at this point we were feeling the pressure. We had used all J's for JJ's name and were not sure we would want to do that again although it would have been something both boys would have.

In the end and even though the name Jamison held a special meaning for me I felt that using Eli (E-lie)would be best.

I kept the piece of paper with all the possible choices to put into JD's baby items for him to see in the future. I cannot wait to hear what he thinks about the name William, lol.

And that my friend's is the story behind his middle name. :)

(p.s. next post: birth story, promise!)

Dear Janessa

2011-04-06T22:19:00.003-04:00

Dear Janessa,

Hello babygirl. I have been missing you so much lately. I of course miss you each & every day but lately the sting of your absence seems to be a bit more painful. I cannot believe it has been almost 2 years since you were physically here with me. You would be turning 23 months next week. Your 2nd birthday is right around the corner. I wish I could have had the chance to see the toddler you would be right now.

Two-year-olds seem to be everywhere I look lately. I have even found a few in my arms recently. I find joy in these little babies but the tug at my heart, at my soul, is too strong not to acknowledge. It leaves me with such an ache for you. I watch them & know you should be doing all that they are. I try and picture you doing those things, what you may look like now and how cute your little voice and words would sound. I imagine you driving your big brother crazy. I think of all the mischief you would be getting into.

I wonder what it is like where you are. What you do to fill the time. What time feels like there. I wonder if you miss me, miss us. I wonder if all you know is peace and love. I send you my love each day.

I remember holding you in the hospital. Your Daddy had left the room for a few minutes. I sat there rocking you & humming the lullaby I always hummed to your big bro & now to JD as well. There are so many things I wish I did with you that day, so many regrets, but I am glad I got to do that. That is one of the few things I will get to do with all my children.

I recently read your little brother his first storybook. I sat on the floor of his nursery, your old nursery, with him in my lap. He looked so curiously at all the colors on the pages as I read the words aloud to him. I am so incredibly blessed to have him here with us. I love that I get to do all these things with him. I am just sad I never got the chance with you. I know you watch over your brothers. I wonder if you were with us that day.

I believe my words and thoughts find you, wherever that may be. I know your spirit finds me as well. I feel you.

So my sweet angel, I would like to read you a story now. One of my favorites. Its perfect just for you.

I Love You As Much... by Laura Krauss Melmed

Said the mother horse to her child,

"I love you as much as a warm summer breeze."

Said the mother bear to her child,

"I love you as much as the forest has trees."

Said the mother camel to her child,

"I love you as much as the desert is dry."

Said the mother goose to her child,

"I love you as much as the endless blue sky."

Said the mother sheep to her child,

"I love you as much as the grass on the hill."

Said the mother mouse to her child,

"I love you as much as the grain in the mill."

Said the mother goat to her child,

"I love you as much as the mountain is steep."

Said the mother whale to her child,

"I love you as much as the ocean is deep."

Now sleep, child of mine, while the stars shine above-

I love you as much as a mother can love.

Love, Mommy

3 Month Update

2011-03-27T23:59:00.002-04:00

Today JD is 3 months old. Tomorrow he will be 13 weeks.

I would really like to know how 3 months have passed us by!?

JD has changed so much. We have not had a doctor visit so I am unsure what his weight is but I do know he is one chunky monkey! He has outgrown all the 0-3 month clothes. He is wearing 6 month onsies & 3-6 month pants.

He outgrew his bassinet about a week ago. He will be moving into his crib sometime in the very near future. It makes me so sad to think I will never have a baby to sleep in that bassinet again. I am content with our decision to not have any more children but I cannot help but feel sad that he will be our last.

He is still drinking 5-6 oz every 3 hrs during the day. In total he drinks about 25-30 oz a day. I broke down and added the cereal as directed by the doctor to help with his reflux. It seems to help a little. I am not convinced it is doing much. I wish he had a 3 month check up in between. I may call her and go in to see if we can do something else.

He really is such a happy baby. He is pretty mellow all the time. If it wasn't for his reflux issues I don't think he would ever fuss. He defnitely likes to be held still. Some days I do not accomplish too much due to him wanting to be held quite a bit. I think it could be due to the reflux.

While feeding him JD stares straight into my eyes. He looks at me with these knowing eyes. It feels like he looks right into my soul. Just writing about it now made tears form in my eyes. I feel such immense love in those moments. Not just my love for him but it seems as though he is channeling some to me through those beautiful blue eyes.

He has been sleeping through the night since 9 weeks old. After his last bottle for the day he likes to suck on his binky and falls right to sleep. Like clock work each night JD is asleep by 9:00 pm. He sleeps until about 6 or 7 am. He usually drinks his morning bottle and then goes back to sleep for an hour or two. When he wakes up for that first bottle he is all smiles. He seems to be the happiest at that time. If I had to guess it may be because after that many hours there is nothing left in his stomach to reflux back up into his throat. I think he probably feels the best during that time.

During the times he is fussy we can always count on the changing table to stop his fussing. Its the strangest thing. He could be whining & crying and the minute you lay him down on that table he relaxes. Not just his fussing but even his breathing becomes more slow & mellow.

Also when he is feeling uncomfortable or fussy he likes you to stand while holding him. If you try & sit down he will squirm & whine until you stand. He definitely knows what he likes. Definitely some of momma in him!

I am NOT looking forward to his 4 month doc visit and shots. He was so fussy for two days after his 2 month shots. It was awful. They never affected JJ at all so it took me sometime to connect the shots to his fussiness. I hope he doesn't react the same next time. Poor little guy.

He makes this sad little "boo-boo" lip when he is about to cry and it just melts me. How cute and sad is this?

JD does not really nap for me during the day. I have to say that he does nap sooo much better for his daddy! My husband seems to posess some magic nap powers. Its that or JD knows when its the weekend and uses it to catch up on some zzzzs!

I found some patches of what seems like eczema on JD. I was prepared for this as JJ has had pretty bad eczema since he was a baby as well. I was hoping JD could avoid it. I am still hoping that he will avoid asthma though.

His head control is pretty good. He loves to look around at his surroundings. He is now enjoying his toys much more & has a few he tends to stare at more than others. He also likes to bat at them & I could watch him play forever. He seems to use his right hand to swing at the hanging toys the most. At first I thought it may be random reflex movements but it seems he really is batting at them!

JD used to enjoy baths but doesn't seem to really care for them anymore. He also likes to go #2 in the tub after a few minutes of being soaked in the nice warm water. He has done this to me about 4 times! I am going to start only giving him baths on days he has already gone! It is not fun to clean up but I cannot help but laugh.

JD is losing the hair on the back of his head from sleeping on his back. You can find all his lost hair on his bassinet sheet. I remeber JJ had a big bald spot as well. I too am losing my luscious locks of hair I gained while pregnant. My hair usually starts to fall out about 4 months postpartum but this time it started around 2 1/2 months. I have very thin straight hair so I enjoyed having nice thick hair while pregnant. I am sad to see it go.

JJ talks a lot about things he cannot wait to do when JD is a "kid". He talks about games they will play and things he will teach him. He has even mentioned the naughty things he plans on showing JD as well. One of his lovely lessons will be teaching him how to make his arm pit fart. Ahh the joy of mothering little boys :)

We had a tease of spring about a week ago here. It was so beautiful for two days. I put JD in the bjorn carrier and walked around the block. JJ happend to have the day off from school so he was able to come as well. JD loved it. He was so calm & was just taking in his surroundings. He was not a big fan of the breeze taking his breath away but he seemed to enjoy the warm sunshine on his face.

I am really enjoying JD. I feel so blessed and lucky to have him here.

ELHAS Giveaway!

2011-03-24T19:59:00.001-04:00

I am hosting a giveaway on the Every Life Has A Story Face.book page. This is the 1st ELHAS giveaway.

Go check it out & enter! Good Luck!

http://www.facebook.com/EveryLifeHasAStory

Her Protectors

2011-03-20T00:13:00.002-04:00

As JJ and I pulled into the cemetery today...

"Mom, do you think God takes care of Janessa?" asked JJ.

"Yes I do." I replied.

"He better...He better." said JJ.

Sometimes he leaves me speechless.

Meant For Her

2011-03-10T00:25:00.001-05:00

It amazes me at how much emotion can be evoked by an object.

When I was pregnant with Janessa I was blessed by the generosity of others and ended up with a large supply a baby girl clothes. So many that I only purchased a handful of outfits for her myself. Shopping for little girls is so much fun.

Clothes I bought for Janessa

While sorting through her items in preparation for JD's arrival, I packaged up & kept all the clothes pictured above. I cannot part with them. They are with Janessa's items. I have since gone through the rest that were given to me. I made a HUGE decision a few weeks back and decided to send a large amount to a dear friend of mine who was expecting her rainbow...actually 2 rainbows! The rest are divided up by size ready for a different friend who just had her rainbow as well. I never thought I could get rid of them. So many emotions were attached to them. They symbolized so much. Giving them to other rainbow babies was the only thing that made it feel ok.

Included in those that I purchased for Janessa was this outfit...

I was shopping with my mom when I came across it. I thought it was slightly boyish but I loved the cute design! I read it and I just had to buy it for her. It was so adorable & I was excited about purchasing it. I don't really get that excited over clothing but for some reason this made me. I remember having my husband read the cute little sayings when I got home.

Here is what it says...

How cute is that?

I decided not to store this one with the rest of Janessa's items. I instead put aside for JD. I remember the feeling of removing the tags to wash it with the rest of JD's clothes. A feeling I am not sure I can find the words for. I guess it was sadness mixed in with the hope that the baby wrapped up in my belly WOULD have the chance to wear it, also knowing that this is the closest to sharing something with his older sister that would be possible.

I put all the pj's in drawers and all the "going out" clothes were hung up in his closet. Even though this was a sleeper outfit I hung it up instead. I wasn't sure when I would be ready to put it on him...if ever. He went through all the other ones in that size probably two or three times before I decided to dress him in it. I layed it out on his changing table and then gave him a bath.

I remember dressing him in it and having a flood of thoughts run through my mind. I thought back to purchasing it...imagined someone telling me that the baby I was buying it for would never be able to wear it...I thought how I never had the chance to dress Janessa, a regret that haunts me... I thought about how very grateful I was that JD made it here safe and sound...and then I wiped my tears, looked down and saw him staring up at me...and I smiled.

Two Months

2011-03-02T12:39:00.003-05:00

Sunday JD turned 2 months and Monday he turned 9 weeks old.

Yesterday at his appointment he weighed in at 11 lbs 12 oz!

JD has more alert times now but still sleeps most of the day in small spurts. He is smiling a lot more and we can now talk to him to get him to smile. He has started cooing a lot in the past couple days. I love to listen to him.

He is also noticing things & is studying them more intently. The hanging toys on all his baby paraphenilia are getting some use.

He is eating 5-6 oz every 2.5-3 hours during the day. He has recently started giving us a 5 hour stretch from around 11pm-4am each night. Saturday he slept until 5 am which was a treat.

JD loves to be held. Some days it seems I hold him all day. He likes to be rocked and gently bounced. He loves to sleep on us on his belly. If we could do this at night I think he would sleep the whole night through.

He has already changed so much.

He likes to clutch his hair on the back of his head while sleeping.

The problem is sometimes he grasps so hard he pulls it and cries. He doesn't realize what he is doing is hurting himself! I have to pry his little fingers off his hair. He likes to grab mine as well when he over my shoulder. I am pretty sure I now have less hair on the left side of my head than the right! He has defnitely reduced the amount of hair on the back of his head:

Last Thursday JD had an ultrasound for his hips. The pediatrician who was on duty at the hospital when he was born noticed that he had hip-clicks. We followed up that finding with JD's pediatrician and she felt a slight one in his left hip. His hip joints were very lax so she ordered the ultrasound to check if his joints had formed correctly and also for Hip Dysplasia. Thankfully everything checked out great. His hips are perfect and they do not come out of the joint when pushed on or moved. What a releif!

Unfortunately JD is suffering from silent reflux. Most of the time when layed on his back he is very restless. He will only sleep well if he is inclined. Here he is sleeping in his bouncy seat:

February 6th, 2011

He rarely sleeps sound. He grunts & pants alot in his sleep and does so most of the time he is awake as well. He does not spit up a lot but does so a little while burping and also if he has been on his back for a diaper change etc. He is almost always restless. Sometimes he gets this look on his face like he is in pain or is tasting something bad. He often arches his back which can be a symptom as well. Silent reflux is when the baby spits up but swallows it instead of expelling it. The result is their throats can be burned by the stomach acid. Two weeks ago his doc recommended I add a few teaspoons of cereal to his formula. She explained that it would be the more conservative treatment for reflux vs. medication (such as a baby does of zantac). By thickening the milk it helps keep it in the stomach. I bought the cereal but have yet to do it. I have always read how NOT to put cereal in the bottle and that it is a choking hazard. The risk is if they choke they could aspirate some of the formula and/or cereal into their lungs. That is a risk I am not sure I would like to take. JD already frequently gags on his formula while feeding. He seems to lose his rhythm. Feeding cereal too early can also result in an increase of food allergies since their stomachs are not ready for food quite yet. It can also cause weight issues due to the extra calories they do not need quite yet. At yesterday's appointment I told her I had yet to do the cereal due to these concerns. I could tell she does not agree with the medication. She said to start with one teaspoon and increase from there to see how he does. *sigh* I really do not know what to do. Have any of you dealt with this?

At the appointment JD got his 2 month shots. One in each leg & the rotavirus drink. JJ held his hand. Today he has a slight fever and is wanting some extra cuddle time. JD also rolled over from his belly to his back for the first time, twice, on the table in the office yesterday!

JJ is loving having a little brother. He has waited so long for this.

JD got a little fussy after lying down there for a little while so I picked him up. JJ said "Hey! I like him!". I laughed so hard.

JJ talks about Janessa a lot lately. When he does his eyes gloss over with tears. The other day he told me he cried because she was not here. I changed out one of her pics in a frame with a better quality one and he took the old one and hung it up in his room next to his picture of JD. He amazes me with his love for his sister whom he never met. A regret that eats at me each and every day. In my perfect life she would be here to be a little sister to JJ and a big sister to JD. Its hard to beleive she would be 21 months now.

These months are flying by.

Hope

2011-02-18T23:44:00.008-05:00

I love this idea! Franchesca from Small Bird Studio has created a blog hop. It will be hosted on the 19th of every month. Its purpose is to clebrate hope. The promises, things, people, places, memories, signs, anything that brings us hope.

This week's question:

What small {or big!} miracles have brought you hope lately? I hope you'll share a piece of your journey by joining the blog hop :)

From the start of this grief journey hope is what allowed me to survive. I mentioned it in a post recently. "In those first few weeks my husband and I talked a lot. Planning and talking about the future seemed to help. It gave us a lifeline of hope to cling to." At the time I was not sure it would ever be possible to be happy again. All I could do was hope that someday in the future we would again feel joy.

Our son JJ kept us going. He supplied us with a reason to live when it felt like we had died. When we were expecting JD it gave us hope for the future of our family. He has brought some new energy and lots of additional love to our home. We are grateful and blessed to have him here.

Very slowly over that first year of grief colors started to show through again, aromas smelled sweet again, the taste came back in food...I laughed. At first it hurt to laugh. Then I felt guilty for laughing. Eventually those feelings faded. It felt good to be able to enjoy parts of life again. Although these senses made a comeback none have returned in their original state. It has been 21 months. I hope one day to see the world and its beauty as I once saw it.

"When great souls die, our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us. Our minds formed and informed by their radiance, fall away...And when great souls die, after a period, peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed" -Maya Angelou

As each of these senses returned I worried Janessa was slipping further away from us. I was blessed however to receive some beautiful signs from her. These brought some comfort to me and let me know she is still around me...

While picturing her face a pure white feather floating by me, glancing up when my heart is heavy and seeing an angel and a butterfly in the sky...

...a butterfly flying around us on the beach, a hummingbird flying up to our heads as we broke ground in Janessa's garden, while standing at her grave asking for a sign feeling a warm breeze that wraps around my body like I've never felt before, capturing the faces of babies in the clouds on International Babylost Mother's Day with two other babyloss mamas...(all three of us became pregnant shortly after)...

...thinking of her and in the next moment having a beautiful butterfly knock on our window in the middle of the night...

...a sense of pure peace that fills that my soul every so often. In those moments I know she is close by me. I can feel her. Those moments give me hope that she is not completely gone. She may be gone from sight but not from my heart. I beleive she is in a place far beyond my comprehension. I beleive she can feel the love I send to her each and every day.

I hope one day to see her again. I beleive I will.

I read a quote soon after Janessa passed. It gave me a perspective that I cling to. I hope that one day she returns to my arms. The hope that I will see my daughter again makes it easier to continue on.

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us here on this Earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my daughter running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is doing that by the time she looks behind her to see if I am there...I will be."

Update on JD

2011-02-17T23:56:00.001-05:00

Because so many of you are so sweet and have cared enough to check in with me about JD...

JD is doing slightly better.

We have had two doctor appointments since my last post regarding the ER trip. She wanted to keep a close eye on him in case he started to get worse. On Friday January 11th he weighed in completely naked at 9 lbs 11 oz. Four days later on the 14th he weighed in at 10 lbs 12 oz! He definitely hit his 6 week growth spurt! He did that for his 2 week spurt as well.

He is a champion eater. He eats 5-6 oz every 2 1/2 hours during the day. Every 3-4 hours during the evening and night. He is on special formula due to his intolerance of milk based and soy. In the begining he didn't even tolerate breast milk very well. He eventually was ok with it but was extremely gassy. There was talk of me cutting out all dairy. I couldn't do it. The formula he is on now is broken down more than regular ones. Its considered "predigested". His body basically does not need to do anything but absorb it so it does not hold him very long. This is why he eats so often during the day. I really admire all you breastfeeding mommas. I couldn't hang! Yup. I'm a drop out.

He has now been sick for almost three weeks. Thankfully he has been free of any wheezing or temperature since the start of his cold. He is still congested but it is now very loose. He has a little cough but I think its from the post nasal drip. He seems to cough to clear it out. He cannot lie flat or he seems to be overwhelmed by the amount of mucus. He is taking his time bouncing back from this. I wish he would just feel better. I hate to se him sick. He is just so little and it worries me. I definitely would never intentionally plan a winter baby. Too many germs during the cold and flu season flying around. My son brings home the schools germs & both my husband and mother work in the school system as well.

Concerned big bro

Since day one JD has not been comfortable lying flat. We have had to have him inclined all the time. He spits up small amounts very frequently and we believe he has some reflux going on. His adversion to lying flat and possibly his panting episodes could be from him being uncomfortable. His panting has been happening less often the past few days which is nice. If the spit up continues we will deal with the reflux issue in the next week or so.

He is a restless sleeper because at night we lay him flat in his bassinette. We were given this cosleeper contraption that has a slight incline and we have been trying that out the past week or so. He is sleeping a little better.

His doctor thought it was a real possibility he may end up hospitalized. She had another little baby with the same original symptoms and he ended up admitted. She was reassured at our last visit so we do not see her until his 2 month check up which is scheduled 2 weeks from today. He is already 7 1/2 weeks old!

On a sidenote I am happy to share that JJ made honor roll for the second time! :)

And for those who faithfully follow my blog, little Eleanor is home safe & sound from the NICU!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-16T14:24:00.001-05:00

"No more pictures Mom, I'm sleeeepy"

In Honor of Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T23:55:00.010-05:00

I wanted to take a few minutes and write about my amazing husband. I have only written about him a few times. (Here & Here.)

I have been in love with this man for over 13 years. In 1997 I was 14 and a freshman when we really met for the first time. We had been introduced once before in passing. He was an upper classmen but ended up being in one of my classes. I remember watching him walk in the room and being surprisingly happy that he was there. He sat next to me in the back of the class. I spent the rest of the year trying not to fail that class from distraction.

A couple weeks after school started that year & on my fourteenth birthday a friend of mine asked if I would tag along on a trip to the mall with some friends. My husband was along for the ride as well. We ended up going off on our own that day and there were sparks from the start. We had a rather complicated first year until we became an official couple almost exactly a year later. I always dreamed that I would marry my high school sweetheart.

November 1998 (I think)

There are times I long for the carefree days we spent together as teenagers. The days before responsibility with only the wonder of how we should spend our day together. The days before bills, real jobs, adulthood....grief.

In 2002 we moved in together and in 2003 our son JJ was born.

In December 2007 after 9 years together we were engaged. Finally.

We were married 10 months later on October 18th, 2008.

We found out a couple weeks later on our honeymoon we were pregnant with Janessa. She was our little wedding night baby.

The rest you know. We had one heck of a first year of marriage.

May 9th, 2009

5 days later....

May 14th, 2009

Oh how quickly life can change.

I read about a study done in 1985 which found that up to 80-90% of couples who lose a child get divorced. I found that piece of information very shortly after Janessa died. It terrified me. Although, I do find that to be an extreme figure and am almost positive it is not that high. The thought of another possible loss in my life was something I knew I could not handle. I was worried about the coming weeks and months that layed ahead of us. I had no idea where the depths of grief would take us. I worried it would take us apart. At that time I was too broken and emotionally weak to do anything precautionary to make sure it did not.

We both grieved differently. What I believe held us together was our acceptance of each other's grief. We did not hold any expectations of what our grief should be like or how we should each act. We communicated and supported each other. I am immensely grateful for the relationship we have. He really is my best friend.

To say I grieved hard would be an understatement. To this day, almost 2 years later I am still grieving. Intensely at times. I have now accepted from endless readings that I will grieve for the rest of my life. It will eventually be subtlety intertwined in our lives..but subtlety is far in my future.

I am relieved to say that Janessa's death brought us closer together. It showed us how strong our relationship was. I found his presence to be incredibly comforting. I remember not wanting him to leave my side for about a month. I would beg him not to leave when he had somewhere to go. He ended up taking quite a few weeks off of work and I was grateful for that. We spent most of those days together. We ventured out to distract us. We talked a lot. Planning & talking about the future seemed to help. It gave us a lifeline of hope to cling to. I took solace that he was the only one in this world that knew my pain firsthand. He was the only one who loved her & missed her in the way only her parent could. I found my only peace in his arms and the hugs from our son JJ.

I had always imagined that the loss of a child must be the most stressful and emotionally painful event a human could experience. I now personally know this be true. It was always my biggest fear in life. I had thought about it many many times. It would make me physically ill. There are still times I cannot believe we were handed this card. I never thought I could survive the death of my child. I also never thought I would have to. The fact is your forced into survival mode. To a large degree a lot of me did not survive it. There are gaps in my soul & spirit. Those personality traits died the day Janessa did. I hope that one day the holes will be repaired. I am sad JD will never know who I once was. I liked that person better.

What I am grateful for is that I have had my husband by my side. I am positive I would not have made it without him.

I love him.

I love him for loving me through all my flaws. I have plenty. I love him for accepting me for who I am. I love that I can be my complete self around him and never fear judgement. No one knows me like him.

I love him for the way he treats me, the way he loves me. The way he listens to me babble on and on. (Or is he listening?) I love him for the father he is, the person he is.

I am not sure how I became so lucky. I sometimes do not think I deserve him.

JD's first trip to the ER

2011-02-08T23:39:00.006-05:00

JD has already made his first trip to the ER at 5 weeks 6 days old. Hopefully this will be his last. Or atleast for a very long time!

He has had a stuffy nose absent of a fever for about 2 weeks now. He has been eating normally and still has his alert times throughout the day. He does seem cranky at times but I figured that may be due to his stuffy nose. He has always done this little "puppy dog" panting while breathing occasionally. He usually does that when he is hungry or irritated. On Sunday he had been doing that almost all day. By late afternoon I was getting worried. I happened to glance down while he was sitting in his bouncy and noticed around his mouth was slightly blue. I scooped him and brought him into a brighter lit room. It immediately went back to normal coloration. My husband came home shortly after and after expressing my concerns we decided to call the on call doctor. I had already planned on calling the pediatrician in the morning regarding his rapid shallow breathing but the momentary discoloration around his mouth made it clear we could not wait. I had timed his breaths per minute twice and got a reading of 44 bpm and then 50 bpm. That's in the normal range but slightly elevated for his age.

I did happen to notice afterwards that when we remove his pacifier the area around his mouth is slightly blue but once removed the skin turns back to normal. JJ never used one but I was pretty sure that it wasn't normal.

After discussing JD's symptoms with the on call doc he said it would be best if we brought him to be evaluated. I agreed. We fed him a quick bottle and then I left to the ER with him while my husband stayed with JJ. I arrived around midnight.

The nurse took his temperature and it was normal. He then did a pulse ox and it was at 99%. When the doc came in he looked him over and listened to his breathing which sounded clear. He then ordered a chest xray to rule out pneumonia but was pretty sure it was nothing serious and we would be good to go home.

After the xray I must have waited an hour and a half. I knew something wasn't right but desperately tried to fight off that feeling. When he eventually came back in he said that he had the radiologist take a look at the xrays. He said that everything was structurally ok but the radiologist thought that it was possible JD had viral pneumonia. He stressed that they were not positive. NO JOKE. They were not sure! He then went on to explain that since it wasn't bacterial pneumonia that it couldn't be treated with antibiotics. He said JD should get better on his own and be just fine. He told me to follow up with his pediatrician the next day. I was baffled. As those words came out of his mouth that JD may have pneumonia I felt as though someone had pushed me over. I distinctively remember leaning to my left and feeling as though I was not in my body. I had heard him because I knew what he said but could not play back his words in my mind so I had him repeat himself. When it registered that they didn't know positively I was furious. How could they send a six week old baby home with such a diagnosis!? Of course he didn't send me on my way until responding to one of my remarks that if it was his six week old he would be scared as well. That was reassuring.

It was 3:30 a.m. when they started discharging us. I took JD home and starting counting down the hours until we could see his doctor. I arrived home around four a.m. and curled up on the couch with JD and just cried. I was terrified. I have had major anxiety ever since accompanied by chest pain. Terrified is understatement on how I am feeling.

When you have lost a child everything that could happen to one of your living children becomes a more real possibility. As my friend Amanda stated a few weeks back: "About statistics: When you have been a one, no number of the other side looks big enough." I have learned first hand that "it" can happen to us. Thoughts of something happening to JD and JJ constantly fill my mind. The fear is always present. Add in a possible pneumonia diagnosis and what runs through a bereaved parents mind is everything they have been through in the past repeating itself.

Later that day I brought JD to see his doctor. The nurse took his temp which was fine and did a weight check. He now weighs 9 lbs 3 oz. That doesn't surprise me with the way he eats! When the doctor came in she did another pulse ox on his foot and his oxygen level was at 100%. What a relief. I told her about my experience in the ER hours earlier. She said she received the xrays and she did not see pneumonia on it. I was extremely relieved. I still cannot shake the what if though from my gut. What did that doctor think they saw? What if they are right... She went on to tell me that she did not understand why if they thought he had viral pneumonia why they would send us home. She told me that they treat it the same as bacterial pneumonia just to be on the safe side. She also said there is no way to tell for sure from an xray what type of pnemonia it is. Why I keep going to the hospital closest to our home for ER visits is beyond me. Next time we are definitely taking the extra 25 minute drive to the hospital I delivered JD at. Maybe there will know what the hell they are doing.

She went on to check his ears and listen to his lungs. All were clear. Since his oxygen level was fine she thinks that the skin around his mouth being so thin plus the sucking on the paci may cause the discoloration. She did notice that on the bottom part of his ribs when he is breathing the skin is slightly retracting. She said to keep an eye on it and if the upper part starts to do the same thing to come in. She also said to watch for other symptoms of him sleeping more, not eating as much, increased fussiness and worsening of his breathing. She did express concern about RSV going around right now. She said to call with any change and had us make a follow up appointment for Friday.

It did not help to learn this morning that little miss Eleanor that I spoke about in my last post is in the NICU with RSV. Thankfully she is doing well now.

This is all so scary to deal with.

Today JD has been doing ok. He is still having episodes of his panting type breathing but there has been no other changes. He has been slightly fussy and did not sleep as much throughout the early part of the day. His appetite though if anything has increased. I wish I could put him in a bubble until spring.

I have not been getting much sleep and know I will not be able to relax until he is feeling 100% better. If it wasn't for the angel.care monitor we use I probably wouldn't get a wink.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery and also little Eleanor until she is home safe and sound.

Baby Shower

2011-02-07T22:56:00.007-05:00

On December 5th my mother hosted a baby shower for me with the help of my sweet friend Julie and cousin Jen. It took me a long time to decide whether or not I wanted a shower this time around. You can read about that here. But in the end I came to realize that JD's arrival was definitely something to celebrate. I worked very hard through his pregnancy to grasp at the joy amongst all the worry and stress. We had so much taken from us and I didn't want to continue to let joy be sucked away.

It was a great shower. Good food, great company, games and wonderful much appreciated gifts. We are still stocked up on diapers and wipes for atleast another two months.

A special treat was that one of my friends in real life, Amanda, who was also expecting her rainbow baby was able to make it. (You can read her story here.) We attended the same school and played field hockey together as well. And for kicks here is a throwback pic:

I am #11 & Amanda is on the far right. My cousin who helped with the shower is #14
SORRY GIRLS! LOL

Amanda and I always got along but were never close. In late February 2010, nine months after Janessa died, I learned her daughter Stella had just passed away twelve days after birth. Even though we had not spoken since high school except some brief FB interactions, I shed many many tears for them upon hearing the news. I knew the pain they were feeling and I was so saddend that she had embarked on this journey of loss. I reached out to her shortly after. Since then we have kept in close contact and it has been nice to be able to talk to someone who understands 100% and that I also knew before Janessa's death. My shower was the first the baby shower she attended since losing her daughter so I was touched that she was able to come. Here we are with our bumps.

I am ecstatic to announce her rainbow Eleanor arrived on 1.25.10.

Isn't she adorable?

Even though this shower was for me it was only the second shower I went to since losing Janessa. We attended the shower of my husband's godson last summer. I could never have attended one for a little girl and would probably still struggle through one today. I was a little overwhelmed at first and it took a good hour for me to relax enough to enjoy myself. I am not sure I hid my uncomfortableness very well. In the end I had a great time and we are so grateful for all the wonderful items we received for JD.

My cousin got me a beautiful pandora bracelet with all 3 of my children's birthstones. I am always so touched when anyone remembers Janessa and includes her. Her boyfriend also got us one of the most delicious cakes I have ever had. It was so cute as well.

I appreciate all the work that was put into the shower. Thank you ladies!

My Momma and I My cousin and I

Somehow Julie managed to escape the photo op! But here she is helping me with the gifts.

I did have two other helpers as well. My niece and son :)

I finally finished up some thank you cards and would like to apologize for them being sent out so late to everyone. Just know I was so happy to see those who came and it meant so much to have you all celebrate this little miracles arrival. I truly believe that each baby that makes it here safe and healthy is just that...a miracle.

All About JD

2011-01-29T16:52:00.005-05:00

I will eventually get around to JD's birth story and my baby shower post but for now I will share some tid bits about our little man.

Two days ago JD turned one month old. Crazy. It went by fast. Too fast.

Although I told myself to take too many pictures I feel as though I didn't take enough.

JD is amazing. He is a pretty laid back baby. He doesn't cry that much but when he does, he does so fiercely. He found his lungs a couple weeks ago after being fairly quiet before then.

He eats like a champ. He now is eating 3-6 oz at each meal every 3-4 hours. He weighed in yesterday at his one month check up at 8 lbs 6 oz and he was 21.5 inches. A couple weeks back he went from 6 lbs 6 oz to 7 lbs 12 oz in one week! He has already outgrown most of his newborn clothes and diapers. Once he has a full belly you can expect to see lots of smiles on his face. He has done this from day one. Every once in a while he will let out a little chuckle. It is probably gas or him peeing but nonetheless its adorable. He very frequently glances above my head at the same spot and smiles. I can't help but think of what I always heard growing up that babies see angels.

JD HATES to get his diaper or clothes changed and he dislikes anything cold. I even purchased a wipe warmer for him. A device I once thought useless.

He may hate the cold but loves his nice warm bath. He is silent through the whole thing. He sleeps amazing afterward.

JD almost always sneezes in threes. He brings both his fists up to his nose at the same time. I must try and get this on camera, its so cute.

The gagging episodes he has had since the hospital are starting to be farther between and I hope eventually they end. They are definitely scary. It seems as though he is trying to get something up but cannot. He turns red/purple and does not seem to be able to breathe. A few times the milk came out his nose although he rarely spits up during these episodes. We have to use the suction ball to get some of the mucus out of his mouth and nose at times. One incident lasted about 15 minutes and I ended up waking my neighbor who is a nurse at 3 am to check him out. While still in the hospital they thought that since I only pushed for eleven minutes his lungs did not have time to get completely squeezed out in the birth canal. I also think he has some mild reflux going on.

He is a restless sleeper. Sleep around here has been scarce. He moans and grunts and tosses and turns almost all night. I believe this to be from him being a bit gassy. I have been trying out different nipples and just yesterday purchased a new type of bottle to try. I have bought some gas drops as well but they don't seem to make a huge difference. I cannot sleep when he is making these noises so it tends to be a long night until we both finally pass out cold.

I remember the day it seems his sight came into focus. He locked on to my face and eyes and I knew he could see me and not just some shape in front of him. I love sitting and staring into his eyes.

Speaking of his eyes...he has one eyelash on each eye that is longer than the rest. When he is sleeping on me and I find myself just staring in awe of him, my eyes are always drawn to those little eyelashes.

His eyes are still blue. We wonder if they will change to brown like my husband and I or if he will be a freak of nature and keep his blue eyes like JJ did. JJ has a blue/grey color with specks of yellow. At times you can see green as well. I never know what color to put down when asked that question on documents. Only time will tell about JD's eyes but I am secretly hoping he gets to keep those gorgeous dark blues.

JJ is loving being a big brother. He is protective of him and worries about him. He even moved a couch pillow away from his sleeper dome the other day and then proceeded to show his annoyance with me that it could have fallen on him. He likes to hold him and JD's cries do not seem to bother him. He likes to try and soothe him without help and believes his kisses makes him stop crying.

JD also has some tricks. For instance he can sense when I am trying to eat and begins to fuss. I believe he is trying to help me diet. He also has an awareness of the time I need to leave the house and decides that is his meal time. Its quite impressive, lol. I am still working out this baby thing. It has been 7 1/2 years so I feel like a first time mom again.

But when I eventually get out the door doesn't he look so cute all bundled and strapped up?

JD loves to be held. He is so content in our arms. It is the only place he always sleeps so soundly. In fact I am holding him now as he sleeps making this quite a task to type. I keep smelling his neck to get a scent of his baby lotion baby smell.

I have missed this.

A Poem For JD

2011-01-27T00:00:00.001-05:00

This was shared with me by Lisette. It is beautiful and I wanted to share it here.

I often wonder what will be my first words to JD about his big sister. I wonder what we will tell him about her, about her death, about our love for her...about how much we miss her. I wonder how he will feel when he gets older and knows the whole story...the whole truth...and how he came to be...

A Different Child

poem by Pandora MacMillian

People notice

There's a special glow around you.

You grow

Surrounded by love,

Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy

In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes

Between the smiles

There's a trace of tears,

One day

You'll understand.

You'll understand

There was once another child

A different child

Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes

That child will never keep them up at night

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much

That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever

How infinitely precious

How infinitely fragile

Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman

You may see another mother's tears

Another father's silent grief

Then you, and you alone

Will understand

And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,

You will tell them

With great compassion,

"I know how you feel.

I'm only here

Because my mother tried again."

Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-26T00:00:00.001-05:00

Then & Now

Buried

2011-01-24T01:36:00.002-05:00

Today I managed to get out of the house. Alone. Getting out these days has been rare and getting out by myself is almost unheard of.

I used the opportunity to go and visit Janessa before heading to do some errands. I try and go after each snowfall to clean off her stone and fix her decorations. I have not been able to do that each time this winter with the arrival of JD. I have yet to bring JD to his sister's grave. Its been too frigid. I think I'll wait until the first nice spring day and make a trip with him.

I pulled up and saw that snow was piled up as high as my thigh. The mountain of snow on the edge of the road where I would enter was almost as tall as me. I could not get to her.

A shovel will now be placed in my vehicle. I will be that crazy grief stricken mother shoveling in the cemetery.

But today I sat there in my vehicle and thought how my little baby was buried underneath all of that. I pictured her tiny pink coffin. I thought how cold she must be. My natural motherly instincts towards her have not been erased with time.

There I was sitting 40 feet from her & the universe had found yet another way to keep me from her.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-19T05:00:00.002-05:00

Our Christmas gift that came 2 days late :)

Waiting

2011-01-18T17:53:00.003-05:00

I have been waiting to post an update. Waiting for this new reality to feel real. Waiting to wade through all my emotions so I could know how I am feeling.

I have been doing pretty well. I feel immensely blessed and so happy to have my baby safe here in my arms. It was such a long road and it was both physically and emotionally draining to get here.

I love that he is finally here. I love smelling his baby smell and snuggling up with him. I enjoy just sitting and staring a his precious little face. I fall more in love with him each day. I enjoy watching my husband hold him and seeing JJ love on him.

He is so very protective of him. He is a great big brother. He has been such a huge help and it melts my heart when he asks to hold him.

But I honestly feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not exactly sure what I expect to happen. I just look at JD and cannot believe he is here. Alive. Breathing. Healthy. I feel sometimes I am in a dream and I will awake to still being pregnant, still be waiting.

JD is like having a clone of JJ. They look so much alike as babies its ridiculous. I have even slipped and called him JJ.

He is such a good baby. He has his days and nights on track. We have already settled into somewhat of a routine. He rarely cries but when he does I could listen to it forever. You see, when you have had a child who never let out a single cry, hearing your other child cry no longer is unsettling. I remember hearing JJ as a baby cry and it would give me automatic tension and I would rush to get him calm. I have held JD in my arms as he was crying and just looked at him in amazement.

I was worried having JD here would send me completely back into my grief again. It has not. Having a baby reminds me once again of everything we will never get to experience with Janessa. I knew to expect that. It has triggered episodes of tears and the deep longing I have for my daughter. That emotional longing at times becomes a physical ache. I feel it right in the middle of my chest.

I would do anything to have all my children here with me. Although we are done having babies, we will never experience that feeling of our family being complete. She is missing. I take photos like this and I see her absence.

It makes so sad to know I will never physically have a daughter to raise. I do look forward to raising my boys and cannot wait to see them grow up together and become friends.

Some moments are tougher than others and sometimes I feel guilty at times for feeling so sad in the middle of one of the happiest times of my life. Sometimes the pain becomes so intense I retreat to the early days of grief. I found myself lying in bed last night silently crying into my hands that were clawing at my face and kicking the bed like a toddler would do in a tantrum. I just miss her so much. These episodes are far and in between now but when they hit they hit hard. The physical separation between mother and baby never starts to feel natural.

I also feel guilty when I am feeling overwhelmed or completely exhausted. I have waited so long to have another baby here with us. When I am feeling these ways I tend to feel as though I shouldn't have the right since I know how easily this can be taken away from me. I know this is irrational and I have every right to feel spent or overwhelmed as the next mother does. I guess it just bothers me how so many people take their children for granted.

I sometimes walk around the house at night when everyone else is asleep. I go from room to room and stare at my husband and my little boys as they sleep.

Or in this case they were all in one spot :)

I am so grateful I have them all in my life. I love them all more than I could ever show them. I just only wish there was our pretty little princess to check in on.

Our Sleeping Beauty

Introducing...

2011-01-03T13:13:00.001-05:00

Our little boy has arrived!

"JD" (as he will be referred to on the blog) was born December 27th at 11:36 p.m.

6 lbs 7 oz & 20"

He is absolutely perfect! I am loving every minute of having him home with us. It has been a long road to get here. We feel so blessed that he is here safe and sound.

Today is the Day!

2010-12-27T01:19:00.003-05:00

Today I am 37 weeks 1 day pregnant. Today we also have our amniocentesis scheduled for 9:00 am. If baby boy's lungs are mature I will be induced.

I cannot believe this day has finally arrived. Physically and emotionally I am ready. More than ready. I am excited and yet nervous. I am looking forward to meeting this little one who is squirming all over as I type this. I am terrified however, that something may go wrong. I stay positive for the most part but those thoughts seem to creep in now and then. Its hard for me to even imagine holding this little one in my arms. Alive. I am looking forward to cuddling up with him and staring at his precious little face, feeling his soft skin, smelling his sweet baby smell. To think that could happen on this very day is surreal for me.

As I lay here typing at 1:00 am, a blizzard is blowing outside. The first real snowfall of this winter and they are predicting about 20 inches. 20 inches! Just our luck that it happens the night before our induction. My doctor called me yesterday afternoon and asked if we would like to reschedule until Tuesday. We decided not to change the date but at any point we can call and cancel. We plan on heading out extremely early in the morning so we can go as slow as needed. Basically there are 3 main roads that lead from here to the hospital and once we are on them we should be fine. Making it to the first one should not be too difficult with our vehicle if the town keeps up with the plowing. I am a little nervous about driving in the snow but I know we can change our mind at any point.

I find it odd to know ahead of time. To know the date that could possibly be this little one's birthday. I am honestly not really sure how I have been handling all of this emotionally. I have numerous times today been knocked over by a overwhelming feeling. A feeling that maybe I am NOT ready to have this baby here. It has been so long,...7 1/2 years since we have had a baby come home with us. I do know that all those worries will melt away the moment I look at his face. I also know how additional emotions will come into play today. Those steming from Janessa's death. I do not know what to expect. I try not to dwell on it. What will be will be. I have noticed that when things become intense emotionally for me I find ways to keep myself preoccupied. Staying busy is an understatement of what has been going on around here. I have made it so I barely have time to think.

I have let the thought occur to me that this may be the last night I am pregnant. Ever. I do not think I could do this over again. I feel so grateful to be able to go in tomorrow and be blessed with this little boy. This has been a very long road. Treacherous at times but I somehow managed to still find joy along the way. I am extremely grateful for that. I thank everyone who has supported me/us along the way. Thank you for walking some of this journey with us.

I look forward to having both my sons together tomorrow. I have daydreamed about JJ meeting his brother so many times. He is so excited.

I only wish there was a way I could have all my children together. I know she will be with me tomorrow as always. She is never far from my heart & mind.

I should be long sleeping by now so I am off to do just that. I will update as soon as I can.

Christmas 2010

2010-12-26T14:33:00.001-05:00

I hope everyone had a good Christmas and that those whose hearts are heavy had some peace. I definitely handled this Christmas festivities alot better than last. Having so much to prepare for has kept me distracted from focusing on Christmas itself. I had one gift purchased up until Wednesday when I did most of my shopping. I had to then send my husband out in Christmas Eve madness to finish for me since I spent much of Thursday in labor and delivery triage (read about that here). I definitely avoided shopping as long as I could again this year. I once had that obnoxious Christmas spirit. It still has not returned but I am sure as time passes it will slowly come back. This time of the year you spend alot of time being grateful for all you have in your life. I know how blessed I am in mine. But when you have endured such an enormous loss in your life such as losing a child, it is hard to focus on what you have without feeling the void of your child. Its impossible. I still & will continue to feel her her painful loss each and every day of my life. She will always be remembered.

This year I was late bringing Janessa her Christmas decor. I had not been feeling well & had not made it to the cemetery for some time. It had been the longest gap of time since losing her. My sweet friend Kim recently let me know she had brought her some Christmas butterflies. I finally made it to her plot the beginning of last week and could not believe I had let her special spot become so messy. I was so disappointed in myself. This is one of the only things I can do for her. I felt like I failed her. The pumpkin we had brought her for Halloween had fallen on to her stone leaving a pink residue of paint on it. The seeds were all around frozen to the ground. I scrubbed & scrubbed & eventually got most of it off. When its not so cold I will be able to finish the cleanup. The butterflies Kim brought are gorgeous. My husband returned with me to the cemetery to put up her decorations. We could not put all we wanted as the ground was frozen solid but it turned out beautiful. Thank you Kim for your gift!

After running the risk of possibly not being home for Christmas we were grateful to have been able to spend the holiday at home. Mostly because we knew how disappointed our son would be to have to wait to have Christmas morning.

Using his MP3 player he wanted so much for Christmas
but still excited for a bag of chocolates!

I was also grateful because we still had a TON of baby prep to do. We spent most of the day putting things together, washing baby clothes and organizing. Today is going to be a repeat.

There has been a HUGE improvement just from when these pics were snapped yesterday.

I am excited to get the furniture delivery which is scheduled on the 31st. Until then I cannot get as organized as I'd like to. My old self would have had this nursery complete by 32 weeks pregnant. I just couldn't do it. I still sometimes worry I'll come home again empty handed and walk into a nursery that will never be used. Until he is safely here I cannot overcome that.

I had a bag of Janessa's clothes I purchased for her on our counter for about two weeks. It was the very last of her items from the nursery still physically in our home. Everything else has been packed away up in our attic. I could not get myself to do anything with them. Finally on Friday my husband asked me what it was and why it had been sitting there for so long. I explained it to him. He asked what I would like to do with them. I told him where to store them upstairs and as he walked away I cried. Some things are just too much for me. That was one of them.

Last night after stopping the "nesting" madness I sat in the nursery in the rocker. I spent a great deal of time just get used to the fact that in less than 2 days this baby will be here. As I type this I cannot believe that tomorrow is the day!

As for now I am off to clean up the Christmas mess & make sure all is set for tomorrow!

What a Week!

2010-12-25T11:37:00.002-05:00

The past week has been crazy!

I normally have both my weekly biophysical ultrasound and doctor visit on Tuesdays. At my last doctor visit she decided to break up the next two so I would be seen more than once during the week. On Tuesday 12/21 I had my doctor visit. My blood pressure was elevated a bit at around 140s/80s. She decided to put me on the monitors to check on the baby. He did great. She sent me down to the lab for some more bloodwork to make sure the raised BP was not affecting my kidneys or liver.

I had not planned on being there so long and planned to grab lunch after my appointment. Right as my visit with the doc was ending I could feel my blood sugar had dropped. I do not have blood sugar issues but I am one of those people who need to eat on a regular basis or I get shaky and, well,... bitchy too :) This increases in intensity while pregnant. As I walked down the hallway I began to sweat & feel shaky. I knew I could not have my blood drawn then as I already felt like I was about to pass out. I grabbed some snacks & sat in the lobby for about 30 minutes until I felt better and then headed to the lab.

The doc did not call me on Wednesday so I was relieved my lab results had come back normal.

On Thursday at 11:30 am I had the rescheduled biophysical. All went great. He would not allow us to get a shot of his face but she was able to get a pic of his nose and lips.

I headed home. A couple hours later around 2:20 pm I received a call from a nurse I have never spoken with asking me if I knew the nurse practitioner. I told her "yes..I met her twice". She said the NP would like me to come in for a blood pressure check. I told her I had just left there after having a biophysical done. I knew there had to be a reason for this random request so I asked if they received my lab results from Tuesday. She said "I believe that is why she would like you to come in". I told her I would head right in. I had not checked my BP all day. I really do not obsess over it as so many people seem to think I do. The reading I got was not good. I was reading 154/97. I picked up my son and my husband headed home to take me in.

When I got there I was taken in by an unfamiliar nurse to a different section from my doc's office. She did a protein and BP check. Protein was trace & BP had dropped a little to 140s/80s. She asked about the baby's movements that day. I explained that he did great on his biophysical a couple hours earlier but he was having a very slow day & his movements were not as frequent. My regular nurse stopped in. She explained that they may be sending me up to labor and delivery triage. We were extremely confused. My husband asked why I was called in. She said that I was apparently suppose to stop in the office after the bio for a BP check. I was not made aware of that so I had went home. She said they had instructions to send me up to triage for monitoring if I showed elevated BP. I asked about my labs & when she checked the results they were all normal. We were still slightly confused about the whole situation but were not about to complain or be reluctant to precautionary monitoring. They even made me use wheelchair transport to L&D triage.

Once there they hooked me up to the monitors & we began a 24 hour urine check. She waited about an hour to take my first BP reading which was great at 117/70. I was in triage for about 3 1/2 hours before they discharged me. Baby looked great on the monitors and my BP were all very good. My doc stopped in for a couple minutes and jokingly asked if I missed her. My husband joked back that the nurses had called us in this time and that it wasn't us! I explained that I was unaware about the BP visit that was scheduled after the Bio. She said she was too and was not sure why I had been called. She said she had left instructions for another patient. I guess there was some miscommunication somewhere. I definitely did not mind the extra reassurance from the monitoring but as a patient you do not like to see any mix ups. Once we knew I would definitely be discharged my husband headed out to coach his HS Girls Varsity Bball team. I hated to have him miss the game when we knew for sure I would be heading home soon. My mother came and picked up me and my son & we went and had some dinner since they had failed to feed me!

While we were still there our son said "We should have the baby today!". When we explained that would mean we would still be in the hospital for Christmas morning he quickly stated "ok let's scratch that idea!". He has been counting down to Christmas & the induction date for about a month now. He is so very excited.

Before leaving on Thursday I was instructed to bring back the 24 hour urine catch after 6:00 pm the following day to L&D triage. That would be Christmas Eve. They also wanted to do a BP check while I was there with possible monitoring. I host Christmas Eve each year so we had to change up our plans but it all worked out. We headed to the hospital around 8:30 pm. They did monitor me but we were back home around 11:30 pm. It wasn't looking so promising at first though. Baby boy who usually does so well on all his tests was not as reactive as usual. They gave me some orange juice and the nurse stayed in the room holding the monitor to my stomach for almost 45 minutes making sure she could catch his accelerations. At one point I shifted to my left side which helped alot and he eventually satisfied the doctor. If not they would have brought out the ultrasound machine and those results would have determined if we would be leaving. We waited until the 24 hour results came back and they were also good. Normal reading of protein is under 300 and my result was 234. The last BP she took after she woke me up was 96/66! We were so relieved to be able to go home so we could spend Christmas day with our son!

Who would want to miss waking up to this?

Amnio and induction is scheduled for Monday the 27th. As my Australia blogger ladies would say...only two more sleeps until we meet this new little boy!

Maternity Photos

2010-12-21T09:22:00.003-05:00

This post is a little late!

On November 7th we had some maternity photos taken by our wedding photographer. I was 30 weeks pregnant. I never had any done while pregnant with my older son or Janessa and I deeply regret that. Having learned many lessons over the past 19 months I knew I needed to take the time to capture these moments. I thought I would share a handful of the images here.

My bump sure has grown since!

10 More Days...Maybe!

2010-12-17T12:08:00.000-05:00

On Monday baby boy had a lazy day. He wasn't extremely active but every time I layed down he would move around & he passed the 3 or 4 kick counts I did that day! I was relieved we had a biophysical the next day.

On Tuesday we had our weekly biophysical & monthly growth scan. Baby did great & passed with flying colors. I watched as he moved his diaphragm and practiced his breathing with more force than ever before. He no longer has his feet pressed up against his head which for some reason makes me feel better. I knew this already because he has been using them to push against my right side & move around. He has been head down for well over a month now.

Based on my LMP I was 35 weeks 2 days. Based on the growth scan he was measuring 36 weeks 5 days. They calculated his weight to be 6 pounds 2 oz. That's crazy considering his big brother was 7 pounds even at 40 weeks 3 days when he was born. This little boy is chunky :) He is measuring in the 76th percentile. What scared me is reading his head circumference measured in the 87% percentile. OUCH! His heart rate was his fave number of 143 BPM.

I headed home & then later that evening attended my husband's basketball game. He coaches our local high school's varsity girl's team. I knew sitting on the bleachers would be uncomfortable. About half way through the game my back began to hurt. I didn't think too much of it and toughed it out until the end. I had a back ache all night & woke up on Wednesday to a few braxton hicks contractions which is not abnormal for me. I have gotten them very early on with all my pregnancies. They usually happen right when I wake up. But that morning my stomach was getting very tight & staying that way much longer than it should have. It also felt slightly sore. This of course reminds me of the abruption and I go into panic mode. Baby was moving and I checked his heart rate and my blood pressure and both were good. I called the doctor's office the minute they opened and changed my appointment that day from 11:00 am to 9:30 am. My husband brought me because I was quite worried. Luckily little man kept moving around so that eased some panic.

The minute they asked if I had pain and I told them what was going on they hooked me up for a non stress test. This was my first one. I have had tons of biophysicals but have never had to have a non stress test. I had a few braxton hicks while on it. One was pretty strong. The baby was squirming around everywhere. When the doc came in she asked if I had felt that contraction and I told her yes. She said I was contracting every 6 minutes. I had only felt 2 or so of them. She said the baby looked great & he was handling the contractions very well. She left me on extra time due the contractions.

My blood pressure was borderline high at 130/80. She checked my cervix & I was 2 cm dilated and soft. I was 2 cm dilated with my older son for about a month before his birth so that did not surprise me. She said if the contractions became more painful and frequent to call. She told us she was on call that night in Labor and Delivery if anything. My husband wasn't expecting to hear that...his face was priceless finding out that this little boy could make his entrance at any point.

We went home and he went to work. The contractions did get stronger & closer but not to the point of making a call to the doctor until about 7:00 pm when I had 8 in one hour. They were not terribly painful. When she called me back she said to monitor for another hour and see if they increase or let up. The next hour I had about 4 or 5. She called back to check in and I was instructed if they got 5-6 mins apart to call back. They never did get that close. I drank a ton of water and they eased up and I was able to get some sleep.

On Thursday I only had a few right as I awoke. I then overdid the preparations later that evening & those contractions returned with a fury. I was breathing through them as they came but they were still not close enough to call. They lasted a few hours & I drank fluids to see if that helped. I eventually drifted off to sleep but was very uncomfortable all last night with a back ache. The heating pad did help some. Today I am achy and slightly sore. I was suppose to volunteer for the last time in my son's class today but had to cancel. He was so disappointed. I've only had a few contractions.

I think this little one wants out. Half of me is ready and half of me is not. I cannot continue on for days feeling the way I do either. I guess we'll wait and see. Only 10 days left until the amnio and possible induction if he hangs on!

Today I am going to pick out his furniture and get it ordered, I just hope I can make it!

6 Hours Later

2010-12-13T18:03:00.004-05:00

Latest Belly Shot at 33 1/2 weeks on 12/01/10

Last Tuesday December 7th I had my weekly biophysical ultrasound at around 3:30 pm. I was 34 weeks pregnant. Baby passed :) Amniotic fluid was good, he was practicing his breathing, he was moving & tone checked out. I love watching his little heart beat away on the screen. She was almost able to get a 3D shot of his face before he placed his hand back in front of it. He was completely bent in half head down with his feet pressed up against his head again. He seems to have stayed in the same position from last week. I think now he has moved & I will find out tomorrow at my next biophysical.

After the bio I went next door to my weekly doctor appointment which was scheduled for 4:00 pm. Blood pressure was good at around 126/76. Urine had trace protein as usual. We scheduled the amniocentesis for December 27th 9:00 am! If his lungs come back mature I will be induced that day. I will be 37 weeks 1 day. Today makes it 14 days until we meet this little boy! What a great Christmas present!! I do find it strange to know THE DAY. I have never been nervous for labor before but I can already feel my nerves.

I had noticed some swelling on my hands & ankles early that afternoon while I was showering & desperately trying to shave my legs. I checked my blood pressure when I got out & it was normal. I also noticed my face looked a tad more puffy underneath my chin. I wasn’t sure if it was swelling or the extra weight I have gained showing. I mentioned this to the doctor so she sent me for some more labs to check for any preeclampsia warnings.

I got home around 6:00 pm & carried on with my evening. I was laying on the couch around 10:00 pm when I started having flutters in my chest & what felt like my heart. I decided that I would check my blood pressure next time I got up. I then happened to glance down at my ankles & noticed how swollen they had become. It looked as though they were spilling out over my socks. I immediately got up to check my BP. It was 130ish/upper 80’s which is slightly elevated for me. I waited 5-10 minutes & checked again & it had jumped to 140’s/80’s. When I checked it for a third time another 5 minutes later it was at 162/92. I called the doctor office & had the on call doctor paged. I decided not to wait for the call back to start heading to the hospital. I unfortunately know how every single minute counts in these situations. My husband called my mother to come stay with our son and I asked my neighbor to stay with him until she got here. We have a 20-25 minute drive to the hospital we go to.

I was panicked. I do not know how high my blood pressure got the day I had the abruption with Janessa. We know that most likely it spiked & that was the cause. I was frantic it may happen again. I even took my blood pressure medicine 4 hours early before we left the house to try & control it some. The on call doc had not called me back so I gave the office another call while we were driving. He called us back as we were parking in the hospital garage & told us to come in so they could check me out. We went straight up to labor and delivery triage. I was annoyed we had to wait in the hall for 10 minutes because of how scared I was. Luckily the baby had been moving so it gave me reassurance he was ok.

Once the nurse took me in they did a urine check & hooked me up to the monitors to check the baby’s heart rate & check me for any contractions. They took my blood pressure which was 140/88. Not extremely high and it was a relief to see it had dropped some. Big concern starts around 160/100. I was close to that at home. The protein check came back negative which is nice since I have had trace protein since the start of this pregnancy. I was not contracting at all. They also were able to get the lab results I had done earlier in the day & those were all great as well. The baby’s heart was perfect & each time they took my BP it dropped. The final reading when I was discharged about 1 hour ½ later was 111/66. Amazing. They said the swelling could be normal pregnancy swelling. I would like to think that as well but I find it rather odd that the first day I swell I also get a detected spike in my BP. I would like to think coincidence but considering all we have been through I have been staying on top of my BP readings even more now.

They were mainly concerned that due to my chronic hypertension I could develop preeclampsia. That worries me as well. ALOT. I was lucky to avoid it when I had the abruption and lost Janessa. But what is hard for me to seem to get through to them is how terrified I am of another abruption. I know its probably because there really is nothing anyone can do to prevent it. All we can do is keep this blood pressure in check.

I returned on Friday for a BP check with the nurse and it was good at around 126/74.

I have been trying not to overdo it. The past few days I have been experiencing headaches but none seem to stick for an excessive period & tylenol does seem to help some. My BP readings have been very slightly higher than normal but not of much concern. Baby is getting lazier but he still passes the kick counts I have been doing several times a day. I am glad I have another Biophysical tomorrow. We will also get a growth scan and see how much this little one weighs.

Last Tuesday was up and down in the matter of 6 hours. I left the hospital after my two appointments feeling so reassured only to return hours later panicked. It is scary how quickly things can change.

Fourteen more days. I CAN DO THIS.

Progress Update

2010-12-02T10:08:00.003-05:00

I cannot beleive it is December! I feel as though on May 14th, 2009 I stepped into some sort of time warp. Time to me feels as though it is flying past me & standing still at the same time. I have no idea how 18+ months have passed me by. I really mean "passed me by". I feel as though half of me is moving forward & the other half lives that day over & over. Its as though I have only been living half conciously. Grief still has its grip on the other half.

I don't know how we got here so quickly but I am so grateful we are at this point. We are so close to having this little boy in our arms.

I have had two biophysical ultrasounds since last entry & he passed both :) I brought my friend Sharna along to the Nov. 23rd appointment. She got to have a little peek at him and I was grateful for the company. I went to this past Tuesday's appointment alone for the first time. I was nervous being there alone in case something happend. I ended up being there for about 3 hours between the biophysical, doc appt. & then labwork. Because I had anticipated this to be a long visit I had decided to go by myself since my husband could not make it.

During the biophysical we noticed that the baby was in the strangest position. He was basically bent in half, head down, with one of his feet up against the side of his head. His other foot was off to the side. It did not look comfortable by any means & I kept asking her if that was ok! She also asked me if anyone had told me the baby looks like he has hair yet. She then showed me these lines on the ultrasound coming off of his scalp & she said most likely what we were seeing is his hair. I never knew they could tell this way! It didn't surprise me though. Jayden was born with a full head of hair & so was Janessa & she was only 31 weeks.

After the bio I headed next door for my appointment with the doctor. My blood pressure was not as good as usual with it being about 134/80. I am hoping it is not on the rise. I had been getting some pretty good readings lately. I will now be seen every week by her along with the weekly biophysical ultrasounds we have been doing. She asked me what I decided about delivery. I told her that we have decided to opt for the amnio at 37 weeks with the possible induction. She explained that I would come in & have the amnio done & then be monitored for the following hour while the results came back. If it is determined his lungs are developed I would be induced then. It turns out she is on "service" that week in labor & delivery so she will be the one to deliver. I am grateful for that since I have not met any of the other doctors from this practice. I turn 37 weeks on December 26th. We are looking at possibly December 27th & will know for sure next Tuesday. Thats only 3 1/2 weeks from now! We may be able to bring the new year in with him here with us!

The labwork was an extra add on that day. I had told my doc about some horrible nausea I experienced on Sunday evening that lasted until about 6 am Monday morning. She decided to send me for some lab work to check for early signs of preeclampsia. I did not hear from her on Wednesday so I beleive they came back with good results!

Work on the nursery started about a week and half ago. I handled it much much better than I thought I would. I think it happend to be the right time in the pregnancy for me to feel the urge to start preparations. I think I had worked through some of the emotions to get me to that point. Although I am still scared to let myself go completely into "were bringing this baby home definitely mode", I WANT TO. I miss being able to feel that excitement fully. It felt good to get some things started for this little one. I even started a hospital bag. I am not sure I ever packed one for Jayden & never had the chance with Janessa. Since each time I go in for a biophysical I run the chance of needing a Non Stress Test & possible induction if they don't like the results, I felt the need to have one ready. I am hoping to have it complete before next Tuesday.

Here is a sneak peek of some of the progress in the room:

More work has been finished since the day those pics were taken but I'll save those pics for when the room is complete. I am hoping to make a decision on furniture in the next few days & get that ordered.

I am also looking forward to my baby shower this Sunday that my Mom has put together. It'll be nice to celebrate this little boy's impending arrival.

Baby Update: 3rd Biophysical

2010-11-23T10:00:00.002-05:00

Last Tuesday, November 16th, my husband & I went to our weekly biophysical ultrasound and monthly growth scan. The little man (who finally has a first name! Still working on the middle) passed with a 8/8. I was 31 weeks 2 days based on my LMP but was measuring a few days ahead at 31 weeks 6 days. Baby boy weighed in at 3 lbs 15 oz. He is growing at a good rate and the doctors are liking what they are seeing. He is definitely ahead of what his sister weighed at this point. She weighed 2lbs 14 oz at 31 weeks 4 days. He has a whole pound on her! He falls in the sixty something percentile. (I glanced over his growth chart but did not get the exact reading.) Of course the weight calculation isn't 100% accurate but gives us a very close reading.

The technician was able to get us a couple 3D face shots.

Afterwards I had a 2 week check up with the doctor. Blood pressure was ok at 124/74. I asked her about any effects the labetalol (high blood pressure medication) may have on the baby. I have been on it since before he was conceived and I wanted to know if once he is born and is no longer exposed to it if there were any side effects. She told me he is exposed to a minimal amount and they do not see any problems with the babies of mothers who have taken it. The pediatrician will be made aware but she did not express any real concern for his health. I had asked this because if & when I am taken off the medication I will have to be "weaned" off slowly by reducing the amount over time. If not there could be strain on my heart. I found it odd that the baby can be exposed it to for 37/40 weeks and then in one day stop completely. I don't pretend to have any medical knowledge but I thought it may have to be the same. I am glad to hear that no problems have been detected in babies exposed to it in the womb. This was something that was always in the back of my mind. I do not like being on medication while pregnant but in this case it is definitely necessary to ensure both of our healths.

I am worried about him getting here safely and now the worries of all the things that could happen once he is here is starting to creep in. Everyday is a mind game with myself on what I choose to focus on. I refuse to let all the joy be sucked away. Its emotionally & mentally draining but I am taking it a day at a time and each day is closer to him being in my arms.

I have another biophysical today to check in on this little one so expect another update soon!

31 Weeks 5 Days

2010-11-19T10:52:00.003-05:00

As of 4:24 am this morning I am now farther along in this pregnancy than I ever was with Janessa. She passed away when I was 31 weeks 4 days & was born the following morning.

Yesterday it ran through my mind a few times early in the day. I thought to myself "If I was pregnant with Janessa right now she would only have a few hours left to live." I wondered how I would have felt knowing that. How if only I knew something wasn't right we could have saved her life. I went on about my day but as late afternoon came I caught myself glancing at the clock. I would think what I was doing at that time on the day of her death. Around 4 pm I was taking our son to his after school activity...At 5 we were heading home...This went on until 7 p.m. when I realized that this was around the time the abruption occurred. Around 8 we were at the hospital & since I am not really sure of what time everything happened I got a flood of random flashbacks. I thought of the nurses trying so desperately to find her heartbeat & them lying to me about her possibly being in a tough position. But they knew. I knew. I remember the doctor finally getting there to do the ultrasound. Seeing our daughter so very still on the screen. Looking at her heart, motionless. The doctor not speaking just looking at us and shaking her head "no". My husband sobbing in his chair. The pure shock I felt after. The physical pain. I don't talk about the abruption pain very much because it was truly indescribable. I can't find the words to do it justice. The rest of the night played through my mind as well. But that is nothing new. I still occasionally wake up in the middle of the night & have the flashbacks play before my eyes. I still have some residual effects of post traumatic stress syndrome. It almost destroyed me in the beginning. It continues to fade over time but can easily be summoned back.

I did not do this to myself on the one year anniversary of her death. I think it was because I was so preoccupied on planning for her memorial that weekend.

I have made it past this mile marker. Now what? Nothing has changed. I never really thought it would. I'm not in a safe zone. I never will be. No one ever is. I sometimes just cry because I am tired of the panic feeling. Tired of the worry, of the stress. Of the "what ifs?".

The baby has been somewhat "sluggish" these past few days. I lay down quite a bit & make sure he is doing ok. I constantly worry that something is wrong. I also know he is growing and from what I have read their movements due slow a bit. He was so active I was hoping that it wouldn't happen. He has been active enough to pass his kick counts but the stress toll its taking on me is huge. I wish I had some type of monitor strapped to my belly all day checking on him.

I have anywhere between 5 & 7 weeks left of this pregnancy. To the old me that would seem like nothing! To me now it feels like an eternity.

Struggling

2010-11-13T05:00:00.005-05:00

I've been struggling lately emotionally. Each and every day is a challenge to get through. I actually just vented to a fellow baby loss mama & real life friend about this a few days ago.

Half the time I cannot figure out the exact reason I am so upset. I have not been extremely pleasant to be around lately. I find myself in tears almost everyday. Showers full of tears, middle of the night sobs that I worry will wake my husband or son.

Since the second month of this pregnancy or so, I have been waking up each night and cannot fall back asleep. I make sure to have a bunch of shows dvr'd so I have something to occupy my time. What I quickly realized is that I was waking up at 4 am. Janessa was born at 4:24 am. Each and every night I am awake to bring in another brand new day without her.

Nothing seems very important to me except making sure I get this baby here healthy & alive. It makes any other task seem so minuscule! The weight of having this little baby's life in my hands suffocates me at times. I sometimes do not think people realize how tough each & every day is for me. Its emotionally draining. I tend to assume people think I must be so much better off now. I know there are some who understand and those who try.

Each day there are the intense moments where I suddenly notice I have not felt the baby move for a little while. They send me into panic mode. I prop myself down on the couch/bed & start prodding at him to make him move. I sometimes also do a kick count & when I am feeling very anxious will crack out the doppler to make sure his heartrate is at his normal reading. I also know that no matter what I do I cannot control other things from happening...there are moments when its all too much. I am grateful this pregnancy seems to have flown by. I contribute that too the reality that I am still living in a grief stricken world & time has taken on a new feeling. It blows my mind that in 6 months Janessa would have been 2 years old. Thats insane to me. It all feels like yesterday.

My life seems to be in standstill. My goal is getting to delivery day & everything else is on pause. I try so very hard to stay in the moment for my son but I struggle everyday. Its like I am waiting for our lives to start again. I do not like living this way.

I also can't seem to get motivated about anything. I have a to-do list a mile long and it all seems so daunting. Things around the house have been piling up & keeping house is at its bare minimum. Its definitely not up to my normal standards (which were too high anyway). I can't help but feel overwhelmed almost all day.

We have reached a point in this pregnancy where we should really have more done in preparations for this little boy. Its time to get in gear & that is overwhelming in itself. Everytime I do anything to prepare the thought in the back of my mind of "what if I'm doing this for nothing" creeps in. Its an ugly feeling. It takes all I have to stay positive.

I also worry so much about the mix of emotions that will come with this little one's birth. I know there are so many people that think that once he is born things will be better for us. His entrance will fill our lives with additional joy but he will not be our quick fix to heal our hearts of our daughter's absence. That cannot be fixed. I wonder how being in the hospital with another baby will affect our grief. Some has been worked through but I am sure will get stired up. I know our joy will overpower but there are the underlying emotions automatically attached now.

On top of that I am 31 weeks pregnant this weekend. Janessa passed away when I was 31 1/2 weeks. My stress level has been increasing by the day. The specific week I was in had nothing to do with the abruption but as I approach the time in her pregnancy where my body failed her I am so worried its going to do it again.

I have noticed that nothing around here shows anything past 31 weeks. My calendar is only marked weekly up to the 31 week mark. The kick count sheet is only filled out until week 31. I even made sure we had our maternity pictures done before I hit this pregnancy milestone. I tried to fill in the remaining weeks but couldn't get my hand to move. I have tried to stay as positive as possible. I have made alot of effort into making sure I enjoy this pregnancy in spite of the enormous amount of stress attached. But I cannot help but worry something will go wrong.

I am dreaming of the day we have this little one in our arms. Safe and sound. Alive.

I'm In Love

2010-11-12T10:56:00.000-05:00

with this little boy! :)

On Tuesday I had my second biophysical ultrasound which he passed! :) I brought my grandmother along so she could see him on the screen. She has never been to an ultrasound. I asked the technician after she was finished if she wouldn't mind getting a glimpse of his face in 3D. She got me 4 amazing shots of our little man...

I LOVE having these done. It brings me some temporary reassurance & it lifts my spirits for a few days afterwards. I cannot stop staring at his little face. He definitely looks like my husband!

I keep falling more in love :)

Answers, Reassurance & Decisions

2010-11-04T21:39:00.002-04:00

For those who read my entry on Progress:

Mission accomplished!

.............

I had a doctor appointment with my high risk OB on Tuesday. Baby Boy's heart rate was 143, his new favorite number. My blood pressure was an amazing 100/60! Lowest its ever been at the doctors. I passed the 1 hour glucose test, yipee! Good thing because I need my carbs and chocolate. My level was 111 mg/dl. Anything under 140 mg/dl is considered passing.

I am now 29 1/2 weeks pregnant. My doctor also requested I go in for weekly biophysical ultrasounds until I deliver. A biophysical ultrasound measures the fluid around the baby, checks the baby's ability to move his chest muscles and diaphragm which shows that the baby is practicing breathing, it also checks for movement and tone. Tone is flexing of the arms and legs. Each category gets a score of 2. A score of 8 is needed to pass. If the baby scores any less than 8 a non stress test would be performed. If he failed the NST I would be brought to labor and delivery to be induced. I was always under the impression that the NST was performed along with the biophysical but apparently this is how this practice does it.

I had the first biophysical today. My husband could not miss work so I brought my mother along so she could get a peek at her grandson. Here are a few shots from today.

I asked for a 3D shot & she got one for us!

Definitely a boy! I am pretty sure that is his
hand reaching for it *sigh* lol

His face with the umbilical cord in front of his mouth

His cute profile :)

He passed with an 8/8. We watched as he moved his diaphragm and practiced his breathing. He even opened his mouth and we saw his tongue! It was so cute. In addition to the categories listed above they also check each organ in the baby's body. Everything looked great. The white spot that was in the heart at the 18 week anatomy scan is no longer showing. Although those are very common and it didn't require any additional worry it is nice that it is no longer there! She also checked the placenta and she said it looked great. It was attached nicely to the wall and did not show any signs of aging. That of course is one my biggest concerns.

I am grateful for the weekly scans. As I approach the 31 week mark when we lost Janessa I am getting very anxious. Although an abruption is not related to any specific week in pregnancy the further along the higher the risk. If the abruption I had was truly caused by a sudden spike in blood pressure we are hoping that keeping that under control will dramatically reduce my chance of having another. Everyone's risk is 1% mine has increased to 15%. Having the weekly scans will bring some temporary reassurance that all is well. But like the doctor and the ultrasound tech stated, all could be well in the exam room & I could walk outside and start bleeding. It could happen to anyone. This I know. It is a scary reality to live in.

At my appointment on Tuesday with my doctor I asked her what she considered full term. She jokingly said that pediatricians would like to see pregnancy last 48 weeks but went on to say that at 39 weeks induction is safe. I asked if that would be an option. She said yes. She then mentioned that at 37 weeks if I felt that I wanted to be induced they would do an amniocentesis to check and see if the baby's lungs were mature. If so induction would be ok. She told me that I didn't need to make a decision right away and I could think about my options. She understood when I explained to her that at some point I believe the baby would be safer out than in. So we are left with that decision. I will do some research and talk to other moms who may have faced these decisions for themselves. This is ultimately what I wanted for options. Now that they are available I need to make sure we are comfortable and well informed on them. I am hoping within the next few weeks we will reach a decision and be at peace with it.

Expect a bunch more ultrasound pics soon :)

And now for a cute story that happend this morning.... Before we started getting ready, JJ was laying down with me on the couch. His butt was resting against my stomach when the baby started kicking it. JJ got a kick out of the fact that his little brother literally 'kicked his butt' :)

Aaaargh!

2010-11-03T21:36:00.004-04:00

(2010)

I hope everyone had a fun Halloween!

I definitely live a little through JJ as I am sure so many other parents do through their children. I LOVE getting him ready for his annual PTA Halloween party & Trick-or-Treat night. I still get that little excitement I used to feel as a child.

What was nice this year versus last is that the "enjoyment" feeling seemed to of returned. I was still pretty numb last year & joy was not easily come by. I remember still having some fun last year with the day & especially while getting him ready but we were still somewhat in a fog. His costume was pretty cool don't you think?

(2009)

My husband & I combined our efforts and we did up a pumpkin for Janessa.

I did not anticipate how emotional this would make me. I painted Janessa's while Jayden carved out his.

My mind did the usual wandering to the 'what this moment SHOULD be like'. I am almost used to this by now. To the subtle dialog that plays through my mind during events, special days and holidays. It wasn't until I started to put the white butterfly on did my mood & emotional state take a turn. I used a butterfly shaped sponge to get the butterfly on the pumpkin and when it didn't come out just perfect I wanted to sob. I was so mad at the world that I was making a pumpkin for her grave instead of in a few hours getting her dressed up in some girly costume. I was so frustrated that the one thing I was doing for her wasn't coming out like I had imagined. My husband jumped in and hand painted it to fix it up and while he was trying I started taking it out on him because it still wasn't what I envisioned. I felt so bad. I was literally choking back tears. In the end it came out perfect and beautiful. I was happy we had something to take to our little girl. Something that had a special meaning to it. I then took a shower & sobbed. We have done up many items for Janessa over the past 17 months. None have hit me so hard. The grief can just sneak up on you & drown you within seconds.

...

Just like every other year our niece came along trick-or-treating.

I love watching them run from door to door getting their candy. It makes me long for the days of my childhood. When life was so much simpler.

All in all it turned out to be a fun night with our son. I am looking forward to next year when we will hopefully have one more little boy to dress up.

Me 29 weeks pregnant with my boys :)

Progress

2010-11-01T13:16:00.004-04:00

If you entered my home you would never know there is a baby boy on the way. Besides my endless growing baby bump that is.

I have made a little progress in Janessa's room. I got as far as packing up all her clothes & girly items into bins. I boxed up the extra memorial service items and even have those up in the attic. I even steam cleaned the carpet months back & dusted the years worth of dust off everything. The rest just sits there. Still waiting for a baby girl to come & bring life to the space. Projects such as her toy box and her table & chair set sit half painted. Unfinished. Such as her life.

On the door of the closet hangs the one and only outfit & toy we have bought for this new baby. Its the only evidence he is on his way.

Baby shopping has not been easy. I seem to feel like I am suffocating when I am in the baby section of a store. I prefer shopping online. Just recently have I been able to go into a baby section and not feel as though someone is stabbing me in the chest. That is unless I happen to glance over at a pair of pink fluffy boots or an adorable little dress.

The ironic thing about my attachment to her room is it was never really her room. She was never physically in it. Well technically she was when she was safely wrapped up in my womb. But we never walked into our home with her in our arms for the 1st time and 'introduced' her to her room. But what that room holds in it is all of our dreams & excitement for her arrival. It represents the joyful time in our lives when all was right in our world. The room beautifully shows the preparations we were making for her entrance into our family. That room was created with so much love & anticipation. It is one more tie to our little girl. One more piece of evidence that she was here. That she existed.

Whats crazy is the room was also the setting for some of my most darkest moments. It has had more tears shed in there than imaginable. Its held a grieving mother on its floor in devastation, sobbing and screaming until exhaustion. I must have walked around the room hundred of times touching all of her items. Feeling all the soft plush girly items against my skin. Smelling her clothes to get the scent of the room which reminds me of how I felt while pregnant with Janessa.

The room never did take on a gloomy feeling.

I recently redesigned this blog. The design you see is the theme of Janessa's nursery. I know the time is coming where we will have to start making big changes in there. I wanted one more way to memorialize it.

I recently made a huge step on this road of pregnancy after loss. I chose a nursery design theme for the new baby. We even purchased the bedding. I failed at the first attempt back in August. Emotionally just couldn't handle it. About a month later I was able to attempt it again and found one I really liked. Doesn't sound like that big of deal to most and especially to those who have never had to come home to an empty nursery. In fact to most that step was one of the most exciting things they probably did while preparing for their baby on the way. For me it was HUGE and emotional. I had to allow myself to BELIEVE this baby boy is coming home. Alive. I allowed myself for the first time some excitement. Cautious excitement. It was scary but it also felt good. It reminded me of the joy I felt when expecting JJ and Janessa. Although I could never be that naively joyful again I will cherish the moments that the excitement creeps in.

I have been trying to get paint samples for the past 3 weeks. I have gone into the store about six times and have walked out without them. It seems once I am there I remember a bunch of other items I need but somehow manage to leave without the samples. I am not so sure it is completely a slip of the memory. I don't know what is going on. Subconsciously avoiding it? My husband even went with me last week and it was our sole purpose but yet we both left without them and didn't realize until we got home. Our goal this weekend is to pick out the colors...successfully.

On other news we seem to have narrowed down the name to two choices. I am not in love with either of them. Neither is my husband. I like them both. One of the names was one of our choices for a boy when we were pregnant with JJ and the other is the only boy name I liked before we knew Janessa was a girl. We can't seem to find one we both love and agree on.

The other day JJ came over to me and asked "Where is the baby name book? Thats it you guys have had your turn. I am going to find him a name". I laughed so hard. Then I realized how sad it was that even he knows at age seven that we should have a name picked out already!

Here he is looking for a name:

Another ENORMOUS step was creating a registry two weekends ago. I never did a registry while pregnant with Janessa. I was not entirely positive I would be having a second shower. I later found out that one was planned for us. I did have a small inkling though :) It was a surprise shower that was planned for Saturday, May 16th. That ended up being two days after Janessa passed away. We came home from the hospital that day empty handed and distraught to the very spot where there should have been a baby shower hosted just hours before. My mother used all the food she had prepped for the shower for Janessa's funeral the following Monday. Isn't that something.

I wasn't sure how I felt about having a baby shower this time around. I tossed the idea of maybe expressing my desire to have a 'meet and greet' shower after the baby was born. It wasn't until about a month ago that I started to feel that it wasn't fair to this baby not to allow hope & excitement of his arrival. There was shower for JJ and one planned for Janessa. I didn't want to have to explain to him when he was older why he attended his own baby shower. How would I explain that? "We weren't positive you would be coming home son...". I don't like those thoughts. I want to surround myself with some positivity. Some happiness.

Although the progress in preparations has been slow, I am hoping that in the weeks to come that will change. I love the moments my mind and heart allows me to dream of bringing him home. I love to picture JJ with his little brother. To think of the joy having another child around will bring to our lives. The love he will add to our home. I'm clinging to those moments of peace & positivity. Its what gets me through each and every day.

October 18th

2010-10-28T10:51:00.001-04:00

October 18th was my 2nd wedding anniversary. We have been together now for 12 years. My husband planned a nice evening for us and spoiled me just a little. Our anniversary to me will always be a tad bittersweet. Its a little known fact that Janessa was our wedding night baby. So each year on our anniversary marks the start of another year of anniversaries without her. I cannot separate the two. It was our love that brought her into existence and it will be our love that keeps her memory alive.

Before we headed off on our evening we had a growth scan and a separate doctor visit. I was excited we were able to get a glimpse of our little boy on our special day. That was the first time he actually stayed still! He usually flips & rolls around so much its hard for them to get any measurements. I was glad he cooperated but since he was so comfy we weren't able to get any good shots of him. He was practically laying face down on my bladder and using it as his pillow! We poked & prodded him & he would squirm and kick back but he was NOT budging from his comfy little position. Basically the way I act when my husband tries to wake me from the couch. He must have my stubbornness.

Here he is face down relaxing:

Here is another shot of him grabbing his foot. He seems to like doing this!

That day based on my LMP I was 27 weeks 1 day. I must be eating well because he was measuring 28 weeks 6 days! His weight was measured at 2 lbs 11 oz. He is in the 77% for growth. Janessa who was born at 31.5 weeks was 2 lbs 14 oz which was considered a healthy weight at her stage. I think this little one may be a chunky monkey. His heart rate was 143 bpm. They recorded good fetal movement and tone. All measurements were normal.

We then headed over to the doctor appointment which was uneventful. I have gained more weight than I would have liked to see and am now at my heaviest ever. That day on my home scale, where I have been tracking my weight gain, I weighed what I did the day I delivered Janessa. Seeing that weight on my scale made me nervous. Weight has an enormous effect on blood pressure and knowing that was what I weighed when my blood pressure shot up with her made me very uneasy. I still have 10-12 weeks left of weight gain and I am worried as to how my body will handle it.

During my appointment a lady had come in to inquire if I would like to take part in a post partum depression study. I accepted. I filled out about 10 questions and she looked them over. I feel that I am at an increased risk for post partum depression. I can only imagine the rush of emotions I will experience after the birth of another baby...a live baby. It will bring immense joy but it will stir up feelings of our grief and loss and it scares me. Not one single question on that questionnaire referenced any type of prior pregnancy loss. She tallied up my score & I rated a 7. I would of needed to "score" a 10 in order to be considered at risk. Really? Now don't get me wrong I am not wishing this or wanting this but seriously? How accurate is that study going to be? In my opinion unless they address all aspects of post partum they are wasting their time, energy and money.

We left the hospital feeling pretty good about this little munchkin and my husband brought me out for dinner at the cheesecake factory. I had never been & he remembered I wanted to go so we took the drive out. He gave me his gift and wrote me something incredibly special. It was nice to have some alone time. We both shared dessert and I still think about how good that cheesecake was!

Happy two year wedding anniversary to my amazing husband. I would not have made it through the last 17 months without you by my side. I love you.

Say a Little Prayer

2010-10-20T19:03:00.003-04:00

September 17th my younger cousin Jonathan married his beautiful fiance Jessica. We traveled the five hours to upstate New York to attend. It was a welcome getaway and I was very relieved that this pregnancy allowed me to travel. There were a few times in the months leading up to the wedding when my blood pressure was not cooperating and bed rest loomed in the near future. I was so excited we could attend.

I was very happy when he was able to stand up in our wedding two years ago. It meant so much to me.

I have enjoyed watching Jon grow up into the young man he has become. He is definitely a far stretch from the little boy who once chased me around the house with a sharp object or exchanged in an all out furniture battle. These happenings were for the most part all in good fun. I am positive they started with laughter but I'm not so sure they ended that way! His sister is my age and we would bribe and beg him not to rat us out on whatever mischief he happened to catch us doing as teenagers.

Jon has not had an easy life but he has not let anything hold him back. He has become a loving, caring, hard working man. I enjoy our visits which are too few and far between. JJ loves him and Jess so much.

Jon is amazing with kids and will make a great father someday...maybe sometime soon? :)

To see Jon & Jess is to witness true love firsthand. They are so in love and are not afraid to let it show. In fact they couldn't hide it if they tried. I find it refreshing and its not something you encounter all that often. I couldn't be more happy for them.

It was a gorgeous wedding and I am happy we could be there on their very special day.

They immediately left for their honeymoon week in Florida I believe the following day after the wedding. Face.book of course let us all follow their adventures and it was nice to see how they were enjoying themselves.

Unfortunately Jon had not been feeling too well and was having a hard time breathing. When they returned home Jess finally convinced him to go to the hospital. He was then transferred to a larger hospital. He was diagnosed with an enlarged and weakened heart and it was beating twice its normal rate. In medical terms, cardiomyopathy. I believe he spent almost a week in the hospital and underwent numerous tests. They are unclear as to the cause but believe it may be due to a viral infection he had sometime in the past. He was released on a heart monitor, medication and work restriction. In December he will be reevaluated. If it was due to a virus they are hoping to see improvement.

I am so sad that this has transpired. Sad their wedding/honeymoon ended on such a note. I've been there. Just married, happiest I have ever been, on top of the world. It then all crashed down on us with Janessa's death just months later. Life has a way of knocking you on your ass when you least expect it. Sometimes right at your most happiest moments.

Jon has always been a fighter and has overcome many obstacles in his life. I have faith this will be just another one.

We love you Jon. Rest up & get better soon!

I have been keeping him close in my thoughts and prayers. Will you do the same?

Baby Boy News

2010-10-15T18:41:00.004-04:00

As I sit here typing this post, a couple days shy of 27 weeks pregnant, baby boy is kicking away. Today I realized that the perfectly timed kicks I have been feeling are probably hiccups! I cannot beleive it just occured to me!

Its been awhile since I have written. I have had lots to say but more to do. The Butterfly Footprint site has been keeping me quite busy. I also started selling avon which I never expected to be as time consuming as it is. I think I subconciously arranged it that way. To keep my mind occupied & away from all the stress & consuming worries. It has worked to a point. I am busy but my mind goes there. To the what ifs & the stress. I also find it hard to sit at the computer for longer than fifteen minutes or so without my back hurting. This has dramatically hindered my blog reading & I miss it so! When I am here I usually try & get a few butterfly footprints done. I have completed about 75 in the 7 weeks it has been up & running.

I have had two doctor visits & an ultrasound since my last post. Both appointments went well. Blood pressure was in a normal range & last visit was 118/80. I'll take that! At home I get readings that vary from 90s/60s up to 122/70s. Those are great numbers for me. I am now taking 200mg labetalol twice a day. It seems to be doing its job. I looked over my medical records, again, for when I was pregnant with Janessa which was before all these blood pressure issues. The readings were all low/norm. Its so frustrating. Although I would like to take comfort in knowing my blood pressure is currently under control, I cannot. It was under control for Janessa as well. I try and stay as positive as I can that this time we will be bringing this baby home.

We also had an ultrasound on September 23rd. Due to my hypertensive disorder we will be having them every few weeks to make sure the growth stays on track. Our next doc visit and ultrasound is on Monday which happens to be our two year wedding anniversary. We have been together 12 years and it seems so weird to be back at "two year" anniversary. My husband has something up his sleeve and is out right now planning something for our anniversary. I would be content just getting a glimpse at our baby boy for our anniversary! Here are a few shots from last months ultrasound:

A shot of his face. He definitely looks like my husband & I am pretty sure he has his nose! This pic makes me laugh because he looks like a little old man! It almost looks like he is smirking doesn't it?

A shot of him grabbing his foot :)

He measured right on track and they told me he weighed 1 pound 7 ounces placing him in the 60th percentile. She remarked that he had long legs. She looked at his heart & brain for quite awhile and both look good. My husband did not see the white spot on his heart he had seen & they had found at the last scan. We will look again on Monday. What I didn't mention in the post where we got our test results was that even though we got the best results possible of having only a 1 in 10,000 chance of the baby having down syndrome, the white spot on the heart cuts those odds in half bringing our risk to 1 in 5,000. Those are still very low odds & no other risk factors have been identified.

A week or so ago JJ felt his baby brother kick for the first time. His reaction was unforgettable. His eyes opened so wide as he jumped back. He smiled & exclaimed that he had felt him. He tells everyone he kicked him right on the hand. He has since felt him twice more & usually tries to get a kick out of him before he goes to bed. He has even resorted to poking my belly & proudly tells people he already pokes his little brother. I regret not having JJ feel Janessa kick. She was never as active as this little boy. JJ was somewhere in the middle as far as his activity level in the womb. I am glad that out of my three this is the most active one. It definitely assures me. I printed out a kick count chart & a couple days ago began the daily counts. The doppler I have gets less & less use. I pull it out when he gives me a minor scare. Usually when I haven't felt him move for a few hours & cannot get him to do so. Poor little guy is probably just trying to sleep! If he has sleep issues as a newborn I'll only have myself to blame!

An Ordinary Day

2010-09-24T21:44:00.004-04:00

Today I woke up and got JJ ready and off to school.

I did housework and prepared dinner.

I picked up my grandparents.

I stopped at the bank.

We ate lunch.

I brought them to the grocery store.

We picked up JJ from school.

I dropped my grandparents off at their home.

I brought JJ to his doctor appointment.

We stopped at the pharmacy for his medication.

We went to YMCA to sign him up for flag football.

We visited Janessa’s grave.

I visited my daughter at the cemetery.

JJ stood above his little sister’s grave.

Maybe if I type it & say it enough it will feel completely real.

This is my life.

1 year 4 months 1 week & three days later there are days I still cannot believe this is my life.

This should not be any parent’s reality.

But it is. It is mine. And I don’t want it to be.

This is an ordinary day of a parent who has buried their child.

I don't know if it will ever feel ordinary to me.

First 20 in Pics

2010-09-22T10:26:00.006-04:00

Compared to my previous two pregnancies this one feels like it is flying by!

Even though the stress level & the worry this time around is on a level hard to put into words, I have still found a way to enjoy this pregnancy.

I have to admit though when I am dealing with complications such as the spotting I had & the intense contractions I experienced several times or when my blood pressure is running high, I was & am unable to find any joy in the pregnancy. I was scared out of my mind with the spotting & contractions & the blood pressure issues panic me. Each time something comes up I have to work very hard at keeping my stress level in check.

I worried so much about being so scared & uptight about being pregnant again. I never thought I could enjoy any moment of it. I was wrong. Maybe it is because I know how precious each moment is. I know how each little kick of foot is such a miracle. I also know that at any minute it could be taken away from us. Scary reality to live in but its the true reality of pregnancy. Each day is a roller coaster ride of emotions & worries.

His kicks are getting stronger and he is moving into new areas of my belly. Some days he is a wiggle worm from morning til night & others I have to poke at him just to make sure he is ok. Sometimes he kicks me right back "like hey!?" On my birthday a couple weeks ago he moved all day long for the first time. I like to think it was his birthday gift to me. A day full of reassurance he was ok in there.

JJ tried to listen to my belly a few days ago to see if he could hear him. It was a cute moment standing at the deli counter at the market, lol.

I have managed to make sure to take a belly picture atleast every four weeks. I am now almost 24 weeks but I am only going to include the first half up to 20 weeks in pictures in the post.

Hoping for another 17-20 weeks (well now 13-16 weeks) of a healthy pregancy!

A Scare and an Update

2010-09-14T22:02:00.001-04:00

During my few weeks of silence here we had quite a scare. In fact I didn’t tell hardly anyone about it in “real life” either. I had basically shut down emotionally regarding my grief & the new pregnancy and sort of just went on about my days as if everything was ok.

A few weeks back when I was 19 weeks, I was sitting at the computer and I had a sudden feeling of leaking fluid. It passed what I thought was any where near a normal limit for being pregnant so I called the doctor’s office. I could tell by the nurses reaction that I would be going in. She said she would call me right back after she spoke with the doctor. I got ready & called my husband. When she called back she said the doctor wanted me to go to Labor and Delivery Triage to be checked for PROM (Pre rupture of membranes).

I stayed somewhat calm because I thought if my water had truly broken it would have been a larger amount & more steady. What I was truly worried about is that I may be leaking amniotic fluid.

We arrived & were registered and admitted. This little guy did give me some peace of mind by moving every so often to let me know he was alright.

Eerily as we walked into the room that I was assigned there were sounds of a jack hammer. Anyone who visited us in the hospital after Janessa passed would remember the obnoxious & unbelievably loud jack hammering that was going on directly under my room. It was horrible. I ended up getting a migraine that lasted for a couple days from it. Hearing that noise in another hospital room while in the middle of a pregnancy scare was unsettling to say the least.

They did some tests to see if I was indeed leaking any fluid, they checked for infection & did an ultrasound to check the fluid around the baby. Everything was good. My blood pressure was running a bit high at 140/80s which seems to be the reading I get while at the docs. I was discharged and given warning signs of pre term labor.

I had an appointment about a week later on Tuesday 8/31. There we discussed the progesterone shots once again & came to the conclusion that my history does not really make me a candidate. I told her I would be willing to have them if there was no harm but she wasn’t convinced I would benefit from them. My blood pressure was about 140 again so she decided to double my dose of blood pressure meds. This is something I knew was coming. I have hit the 20 week mark (22 wks 3 days today) so I am now at risk for pre eclampsia. I am glad she increased my dosage & I would have requested the increase had she not done so first.

I had a follow up blood pressure check with the nurse the next week (last Wed 9/8.) to see where I was at. I made the mistake of running late, getting myself all worried & driving on the highway myself to the appointment. I went in & the reading was around 128/92 the first time. I normally do not have a problem with the bottom number, the diastolic reading. She went on with the visit and took it one more time before letting me leave. The bottom number had dropped to if I remember correctly 86. Not terribly great but not extremely high. She asked if I was already on bed rest. I told her no…she told me not yet. She then went on to tell me what symptoms to call in for which were signs of pre e…headache, change in vision & swelling. The nurse at L&D triage had asked if I had a plan in place for bed rest as well. We now do & are preparing for that possibility.

The only relief I get is that whenever I take my blood pressure at the stores or on my home cup the reading is always low & normal. I will continue to self monitor as I believe I must be active in my own care.

I have been suffering from increasing anxiety & nightmares now that this spot in the pregnancy has arrived. I have dreams of every scenario mixed with subtle flashbacks of what happened with Janessa. I am trying hard to work through it but know that there is no cure for these feelings..no way to make them stop…this is my reality.

On a brighter note my husband felt the baby kick about a week ago. He kicked him right on the hand! His face was priceless.

Tomorrow I have another visit with the doctor & the following week starts the regular ultrasounds we will be getting due to my hypertensive disorder. Looking forward to getting another peek at this little kick boxer…maybe seeing his face again will help us find a name!

Silence

2010-09-10T22:40:00.006-04:00

I have been quiet here. I’ve been shifting through the many layers of emotions & waves of grief and happiness that have consumed me. I have also been keeping myself extremely busy which I guess may be my escape from the heaviness.

I have slowly let go of the last string of the life I had envisioned in my head. The vision that began when we found out we were expecting Janessa. I feel redundant saying it yet again…saying how much we had planned out for our new family.

I had to let her go…not completely just physically…and with that went all those dreams and plans.

I cannot stress enough how having another child does not heal any of the pain from Janessa’s death. I knew going into another pregnancy not to expect some sudden healing. I had very real expectations of what laid ahead on the road of pregnancy after loss. I braced myself hard and carefully.

If I was to be honest and I have been here since the beginning, I would have to tell you that I held onto a piece of what could’ve been. I held onto a hope that we would be blessed again with a little girl. Not a girl to replace Janessa. Not a girl to magically make us better. I didn’t want to fill our void with another girl…I just wished for a second chance at having a daughter. I think what I wished for was a chance to witness something similar to what was stolen from us. To know what it was like to raise a little girl and experience all that comes with that. It’s hard to prepare for such a life changing event and then in minutes have it ripped away from you.

I guess I yearned for the chance to meet Janessa’s sister and maybe get a glimpse of her. Silly since I wouldn’t know whether or not that was happening. This is all so hard for me to put into words…

Janessa looked so much like JJ. The first few months after her passing I would stare at JJ while he slept, I sometimes still do. The similarities can at moments take my breath away. It is like receiving a glimpse of her again.

I read many blogs where there is little emphasis on the rainbow baby’s gender. I wonder if I am the only one struggling with these feelings of guilt for the yearning. I think what a horrible person some might think I am. I try not to let myself go there. These are my feelings and I own them. I have tried to own each one as they have come along. I beleive that is why I can get out of bed each morning.

I have taken these past couple weeks to soak in our new reality. I will not lie and say it has been easy but I will say that I have come to a peace. I find myself in daydreams of what having another baby will be like…and from habit sometimes it’s a little girl. I am still in adjustment mode. I honestly had no idea it would be such a process. But what has brought me peace is the excitement that has slowly crept in. Very cautiously crept in. I find myself picturing JJ with the little brother he always wanted and I can feel it… the hope, the joy, the anticipation. It’s familiar and yet completely different.

Tomorrow marks 22 weeks pregnant. There are days where I want to plan away and feel at peace a little. Then there are the days where I wonder if this baby will make it home.

I searched for nursery themes one day about a month ago & a few days ago attempted to shop at Babies R Us...which I can only describe as a fail. I may not be there yet but I am working my way to that spot. Currently I am focused on finding a name for him which has proven to be quite a task. I am looking forward to reaching the plain where I can start preparing for this little one’s arrival. This little boy who makes his presence so very known each day by beating me up from the inside. I am more in tune with this pregnancy than my other two. I spend time each day lying down feeling his movements. I know his favorite times of the day, where to best find his heart beat, which position to lay in that seems to be his favorite for him to do his flips. I have probably already spoken to this little one more than I had spoken to JJ or Janessa while carrying them. I have certainly poked this little guy more to get him to move when he is giving me a little scare. Poor kid lol.

In summary I have fallen in love…again.

Butterfly Footprints

2010-08-29T10:55:00.002-04:00

This past week I have been quite busy. I put into motion Keeping Their Memory Alive and I also had another project up my sleeve. It is called Butterfly Footprints. I was able to launch the site this past Wednesday, August 25th.

Butterfly Footprints creates a special memorial keepsake for parents who have lost a baby. The footprints of the baby's feet are turned into an image of a butterfly.

Here is an example from the site:

If you have a moment please visit the site!

Keeping Their Memory Alive

2010-08-28T16:03:00.003-04:00

I have created a new "spin off" project from Every Life Has A Story. It is a new website called "Keeping Their Memory Alive". It is a video memorial site for parents to come and share their child through video or slideshow. Many families have made their own memorial video and do not need the resource of Every Life Has A Story. It is a place where bereaved parents can come and share their child's story. A place to remember our children together. A place of comfort, knowing that you are not alone.

After we lost our daughter Janessa, I spent endless hours on video hosting sites searching & watching other family's videos of their angels. It was a whole new world for me and even though my heart shattered for each family I also found comfort knowing I wasn't walking this road alone. Alot of the videos led me to some amazing resources that have helped me tremendously. My goal is to create a memorial site that honors each child and brings bereaved parents together.

Please visit the site & leave some feedback!

If you have a slideshow or video of your child you wish to submit to the memorial site please see the video submission tab on the site. You can then email the info to everylifesstory@aol.com.

The site was just a few days ago so any help spreading the word or video submissions would be appreciated to get the site up & running!

It's A ______!

2010-08-27T14:49:00.005-04:00

On Monday August 16th we were scheduled for our 18 week anatomy and gender scan. I was nervous & excited about making sure this baby was healthy & also to learn what the sex was. Sunday I ran on high all day staying very busy and occupied. I tend to do this when I have any anxiety. After my husband and son went to bed I found myself wide awake with sleep no where in sight. I ended up in Janessa’s room wrapped up in the prayer shawl blanket I received, sitting by her window looking out and listening to the rain. It reminded me of the many many weeks it rained straight through after Janessa passed away. I wondered if it was a sign of sort. I couldn’t make sense of what that could be but relished in the relax factor it was bringing me. I said a prayer asking that the baby would be healthy and that no matter what the gender was going to be it would all be fine. I know that in the future no matter if this is a boy or girl I won’t be able to imagine our lives without them in it.

When we arrived at the ultrasound room that Monday morning we were only one of two patients there. We usually get called in fairly quickly but this time, of course when we are anxiously waiting we had quite a wait. We finally made into the room with the tech and like each and every single visit I had to explain why I was high risk and about losing Janessa. There are pros and cons with this. We get a little extra care treatment and concern but it is also very hard to tell the story each visit.

She asked us if we would like to know the gender and then proceeded with the scan. I remember seeing this bay’s face for the first time at our 12 week NT scan. The first thing out of my mouth was “It looks like a boy huh?” to my husband. He amusingly said “I don’t know, I can’t tell”. lol She made us wait until she was finished but I was right, IT’S A BOY! When she was scanning we thought we saw his goods and we were pretty sure it was a boy. He of course would not sit still again and the scan took a lot longer than usual because she had to keep trying to get the measurements for each part numerous times. I have to admit of my three children this one is definitely the one who moves the most.

They had found a white spot in Janessa’s heart which led to us having a second level ultrasound. It turned out to be nothing of concern and they believed it to be a calcium deposit. That finding is pretty common. She found the same white spot on this baby. I would be lying if I said it didn’t worry me. As a mother I cannot turn that off. I am scheduled to have many more ultrasounds and I am 100% positive they will be checking the heart many more times.

I would also be lying if I said that hearing the gender did not stir up a mix of emotions that has been quite messy to sort through. There were tears in the office, on the way to the car and on the way home and they weren’t for any particular reason. They were for all that we have been through. They are for the fact the baby is healthy. They were for what lies ahead on the path for us. This post is late because I needed time to digest it all.

We are so happy that the baby is healthy. We also received some great test results from the blood test that was taken along with the NT test. It screens the risk factor for having a baby that has Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 or an Open Neural Tube Defect. As the doctor stated “We got an A”. Our chances were the lowest possible of 1 in 10,000 for all three.

So here are some pics of our baby boy!

Sucking his thumb

A pic of his face

The top of his head and arms

Unfortunately the new hospital we go to does not allow children in the exam rooms so we were unable to take JJ with us to find out if he was having a little sister ort brother. We were a little upset because he was able to be there when we found out for Janessa. Since he could not come we wanted to do something cute to tell him. He was at my mother’s home while we went. When we went to pick him up we had a baby blue balloon waiting in the car for him:

Here he is learning he is going to have the baby brother he has always wanted!

He is so excited.

We also went to the store and picked out an outfit and little toy for this little guy.

FAQs

2010-08-15T22:58:00.002-04:00

I have noticed & read a lot of posts recently from fellow bloggers who have been answering some of their readers questions. I decided to write a post similar to that idea. This post will list the most common questions I have recently been getting since announcing this new pregnancy. I usually get the same questions in different forms. I don’t mind them. I understand how curious people may be & so many people have been keeping up with this journey since losing Janessa. I chose to open a blog so people could get a better understanding of this world of grief. It has now also turned into shedding some light on pregnancy after loss. I love talking about my daughter & this new pregnancy!

Was this pregnancy planned?

Yup. Believe it. I’ve been asked this. No really. I’m not lying.

Yes this pregnancy was planned. In fact all 3 of our children were. We’ve got the baby making process down pretty good now lmao.

I’m not sure if people think that its too soon. Or maybe some think we shouldn’t have anymore. I’m honestly not sure what would prompt this question but there is the answer in case anyone else was wondering ;)

Are you glad you waited to get pregnant again?

We were told to wait 6 months. I was almost 8 months pregnant when Janessa died so my body needed some time to recover from the pregnancy. My body also went through a lot with the placenta abruption & the high blood pressure. I was not ready physically or emotionally until the month we tried, which was this April.

To answer the question, yes I am glad we waited. It was the best choice for us personally. I needed time to sort through a lot of my emotions & grief. This new pregnancy has brought on a slew of new emotions & aspects of grief that I know I couldn’t of handled on top of the initial intense grief. They are still very much intertwined but I allowed myself time to work through some parts of my grief separately that I hope will help me deal with these new waves easier.

This choice is very different among other “baby loss mommas”. Some have chosen to get pregnant again soon after. Some even a year later are no where near being ready to conceive again. That is what they feel is best for them. Each person is very different and everyone handles things differently.

Could you have another miscarriage?

Well I never had a miscarriage. I was days shy of being 8 months pregnant with Janessa. She was stillborn. I did not “miscarry” her. I gave birth to her. A miscarriage is before 20 weeks pregnant. I was in labor longer with her than my son. A lot of people have assumed she was delivered via c-section. That is not the case. Very shortly after we found out her heart was no longer beating I was induced with pitocin. Once again my epidural did not take and I gave birth naturally without any pain relief and with additional brutal pain from the abruption. I cannot explain in words how painful the abruption & labor was.

Are you considered high risk now?

Yes. Due to the placenta abruption & the high blood pressure that was discovered the day Janessa died, I am now a high risk pregnancy. Everyone’s risk of abruption, even without high blood pressure, is 1%. I was that lucky one. Since I have had one my risk is now elevated to 15%. Please remember that I did not have a history of high blood pressure previous to the abruption. It was discovered when I went to the hospital that day of the abruption & it has never regulated itself back to normal. They believe I developed what they call PIH, pregnancy induced hypertension. I may now have chronic high blood pressure but only time will tell that for sure. I have been taking medication to regulate it since losing Janessa. Having high blood pressure puts me in increased risk for developing preeclampsia.

What will be done differently with this pregnancy?

Quite a bit. I will only be seen by a high risk ob (perinatologist). I will be seen more often than usual. I have had and will have 24 hour urine tests (PIH labs) done to establish a baseline & then to determine any changes. I will have many ultrasounds & non stress tests probably starting in my 6 month. This will help monitor the baby’s growth & to check on the heart rate & especially the blood flow from the placenta. All this extra monitoring of the baby & myself is done as a precaution to catch anything that may be going on before it becomes too serious.

I am hoping to receive the progesterone shots throughout my pregnancy and if problems arise I will be given the steroid shot. If my blood pressure rises to a level of concern or I develop preeclampsia there is a chance of early delivery. I will be delivering at a hospital with a level 3 NICU.

Will you be induced?

This goes back to the previous question. I will be induced if problems arise. If the pregnancy goes without complications I have made a personal decision to request to be induced at around 37 weeks. After all we have been through there comes a point where I believe the baby will be safer out than in. This is still a discussion to be had between us and our OB. We will cross that bridge when its time. I need to focus on getting to that point.

Are things better now that you are pregnant?

Tricky question. Being pregnant has not taken ANY of the pain of losing Janessa away. This baby will not erase the fact that one of our children lays in a cemetery & is not here with us. Our grief has changed due to time & to the attention & work we have put into to mourning, grieving & memorializing our daughter’s memory and the love we have for her. We have made progress into enjoying life again. Every day is still a challenge and I have to consciously choose to keep pushing on.

I think some may like to think we are “all better now”. I think it helps them feel more comfortable. Nothing will make the death of my daughter ok. This baby is not here to heal us.

What this pregnancy has done is give us something to look forward to. It has given us some extra motivation to keep working on being fully happy again. How can we ever be fully happy again after one of our children died? I am still learning if thats possible. Our son has kept us going & this baby just gives us an extra push. The pregnancy has brought some more joy and excitement into our lives. It has us looking to our future and all the possibilities again. Although our lives will never be what we dreamed it would be, we can do everything we can to make sure it is still all it can be, for us and our children.

Learning to start moving forward without our daughter here is a challenge. Starting that process was hard. Taking those first few steps were scary because it almost felt like we would be leaving her behind. She will always be with us no matter how much time passes.

Are you hoping for a girl?

Please see this post for this answer.

What about Janessa’s room & items?

It still sits in limbo.

It has been cleaned up a bit over the past year. I put her already organized clothes into bins according to sizes. I went in a few weeks ago & dusted the years worth of dust off of all her items. I even steamed cleaned her rug. Early nesting I think.

In the beginning when we lost Janessa I hoped that if we had another it would be a girl so I would not have to get rid of Janessa’s things or have to paint over her nursery. The thought of it would put me into hysterics. As time has gone by I have developed a feeling that it is her room and if we have another girl all those things were not meant for her, they were meant for Janessa. That theme was picked out for her not this baby. I am torn. This baby deserves to have it prepared for as well. Will I ever be able to look at that room as another baby's? I just don't know. I have thought about redoing the room either way if it’s a girl or a boy. In reality most likely I will keep it the same for a little girl. I really don’t think I could handle the destruction of it all. I think that maybe it would be nice that as sisters it would be something shared in a sense.

If it’s a boy I am not sure when any of the changes in the room would be made. A part of me still has a hard time believing this baby will be coming home with us. We were burned once & there are walls up for protection. In the beginning I thought that when we had another baby, and if it was a boy, I would not touch Janessa’s room until the baby was home with us. I do not know where I stand now on this issue.

We find out tomorrow morning the gender so I will leave this decision up in the air until I may or may not have to make it.
_______________________________________________

I am an open book. Losing my daughter destroyed me & I have had to rebuild myself from scratch. Being this open is new for me. I am glad I made the decision to blog through this. If anything can come from this all I am hoping some understanding and awareness has been shed.

Since I did not take questions as so many other bloggers have, if there are any you would like answered feel free to leave a question in a comment below. Anonymously if you wish ;)

Some Summer Fun

2010-08-13T08:49:00.003-04:00

A couple days ago I took JJ & his best friend Dylan to the Ecotarium. JJ has not had a very exciting summer this year. With me being so sick we have not been able to get out and do alot of activities. Lately between the morning sickness & cramping episodes we have been stuck inside & we were both due for a day out. In the next couple weeks I will be attempting to cram in a handful of day trips to try and make up some missed summer fun.

While growing up I visited the Ecotarium quite a few times. It was always a fun trip. Over the years it began to decline in its upkeep. There were less and less exhibits and animals. I was hesitant to make the trip but after some thought I figured we would give it a shot. We picked up the library pass which got us half off admission, packed a lunch & were on our way.

I have to say we had a great day! They have really improved over the past couple years. They have some new animals & some really great hands on activities for the kids. We spent about 6 hours there and every moment was filled. We caught 3 seperate shows. The boys had so much fun.

They enjoyed all the reptiles very much.

They explored some plant life.

We saw some interesting animals.

Our favorite were the otters. They enjoyed chasing the water bottle through the glass.

The boys built a tetris like activity.

They even got to go inside a bubble. Something JJ tells me he has always wondered what it would be like. He wished though they could float in one :)

Haha look at his face!

We saw a polar bear. Sadly the other one that was there passed away a few years back.

And on our way out the boys were eaten by a dinosaur.

Thinking Pink

2010-08-12T20:14:00.005-04:00

I was almost too afraid to write this post. A part of me feels that if I put it down in writing then I will be acknowledging & validating these feelings I have been trying to deny.

The truth is I am wishing for a girl. I feel incredibly confused about that. I feel sad, angry, & ashamed. Please understand that what matters to me more than anything is that we have a healthy baby. One that is breathing & we will be able to leave the hospital with them in our arms. I am ashamed that after all we have been through with Janessa’s death that it could matter to me what the gender of this baby is.

What this all boils down to is I feel robbed. Robbed of my daughter. Robbed of her life, of the life we would have had together. I had so many plans in my head & heart as to what having a little girl would be like.

This will be our last pregnancy. Making the choice to go through a high risk pregnancy was a very hard decision. We know the risks and they scare me. I carry guilt for putting my health in risk when I already have an amazing child here who needs me. I do not think I could do this twice.

What I am afraid of is never knowing what it is like to have a daughter. If that comes true will I always look at little girls and feel my heart break?

This is all so confusing & it has taken a huge emotional toll on me. I feel that maybe in my heart having another little girl will spare me the extra heartache of redoing Janessa’s nursery & getting rid of all her little outfits she will never wear. The thought of doing those things is so painful.

I am not trying to replace Janessa. This baby cannot do that. That is not why I long for a girl. The above reasons are why. This baby already has to grow up knowing of their older siblings died. I do not want them to feel they are living in the shadow of the baby that came before them…the baby who is “perfect” because she can do no wrong. I will do everything I can to preserve Janessa’s memory & the love we have for her without giving this baby a complex about her.

When I was pregnant with our son I always knew I wanted to have a boy first. It was the way I envisioned my life & future family. I think I wanted a son first so he could “protect” his younger siblings, especially any sisters in the future. Before finding out if I was having a boy or girl I knew I had a longing for a boy but it didn’t consume my thoughts & I wouldn’t of been disappointed if it was girl. I didn’t feel guilty then about these feelings. Now I just have an enormous amount of emotions attached to this pregnancy.

With Janessa’s pregnancy I didn’t go in with any preference. A feeling came over me very quickly and I knew I was carrying a girl. Just knew it. We settled on her name but didn’t really bother choosing a definite boy name. When we found out it was a girl I was thrilled! I didn’t realize how much I wanted a daughter until I was told I was having one!

In the first couple months of this pregnancy I had two dreams that it was a boy. When I picture this baby in my day dreams I almost always envision a little girl. I do not know if I do this out of habit from Janessa’s pregnancy or if that is my feelings coming through. When people ask me what I think I am having I tell them this time I honestly don’t have a guess. I do not seem to have that mother’s instinct this time around. My heart is too clouded.

We find out the gender in 4 days. I will not be upset if this is a boy. All that matters is that this baby is healthy. That is why I find these feelings so hard to deal with. We already love this child. I love this baby individually. Girl or boy. I think any parent reading this will understand the unconditional love that starts during pregnancy. I think what scares me is the events that will have to take place if we must prepare for a boy. Preparing as if this baby will actually come home is already a challenge.

I will continue to work through this. I am not the first to go down this pregnancy after loss path & I know that I am not the only one who has struggled with the many confusing emotions that accompany it.

I almost didn’t write this post in fear of being judged. In fear of someone reading this and not understanding fully or at least not trying to understand the feelings I am struggling so desperately to portray. I still do not understand all of my own feelings on this matter. If this is a boy I do not want him to someday read this and feel as though I was disappointed or that I would have loved a girl more. NOTHING could be more far from the truth. My love grows each day & with each movement I feel from inside my womb.

I am so excited & nervous for Monday’s ultrasound. These almost 18 weeks have really flown by.

Preggo Update

2010-08-11T07:00:00.005-04:00

There have been some “happenings” since my last update.

I am now 17.5 weeks. The morning sickness is still present but not as frequent. I can go a day or two feeling great and then the following day I am knocked off my feet for the entire day. I have never had much luck with morning sickness. With my son I experienced it every day until 7 months. With Janessa I cannot even describe in words how awful it was. I was sick each day and there were days I cried because of how ill I was. I could never stay hydrated & visited the hospital twice for an IV. I toughed that out until 5 months. I have to say this time is not so rough. Knowing how much worse it could be helps me get through the bad days.

Things have not been going as smoothly as we were hoping for. With my first two pregnancies I did not have any complications & beside the sickness everything went as typical as a pregnancy could go. That is of course until the day we lost Janessa. This time I seem to be getting all the little scares & worries I seem to have avoided. I spotted at 6 weeks for about 11 days. I remember the feeling that came over me when I thought we would lose the baby. I have not had a miscarriage & the thought of one knocked the life out of me. The thought that we may lose this baby, this much wanted baby, this little life we already loved…I couldn’t imagine how I would deal with that on top of the enormous weight of grief I still feel. I could see and sense the fear in my husband that day. We went in for an ultrasound the day the spotting began & everything was fine. We were extremely relieved when the spotting stopped a week and a half later.

For the past few weeks I have been experiencing cramping. On two occasions they were about 5 minutes apart & I was breathing through them as though they were labor pains. They ended after an hour or so & by the time I spoke with the doctor I was only experiencing slight cramping. I was told to stay off my feet & if the contractions returned to head to the ER. On Tuesday I experienced spotting again so I called the doctor. I had an appointment the following day so they told me to rest for the remainder of the day. I am so grateful to have our home Doppler. It has already brought so much relief when I can check in & listen to baby’s heartbeat & know he/she is ok.

The fear is so very present each day and I am trying to wade through all the emotions that are engulfing me. I am only one person and each day there doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day to deal with each one. I am amazed at how many emotions one person can harbor at a time. Between taking care of Jayden who is still on summer vacation, trying to stay healthy, dealing with the worry I have found little time to dedicate to my grief. It builds & I breakdown.

The appointment last Wednesday went well. My blood pressure was slightly raised at 130/80 but my stress level was pretty high. I once again had trace protein. The babies heart rate in the office was 154 beats per minute which is exactly what I have been getting at home for a reading.

I explained the slight cramping that comes & go & she inquired about the spotting. She did an exam & stated my cervix “is everything a cervix should be”. That was a relief to find out that the cramps had not caused any dilation. The doctor explained how some women experience mild cramps during early pregnancy. She also went on to tell me how sensitive the cervix is during pregnancy which may explain the spotting of blood. I tried to take some relief in her answers but since these are all new symptoms for me while pregnant I cannot seem to relax. We are already on high anxiety and these occurrences are really taking a toll on me mentally and emotionally.

Due to how worried I was about the cramping & spotting I forgot to mention the progesterone shots she had brought up at our last appointment. I was leaning towards them but now that this cramping has happened I am pretty set on getting them. I do not see her for about 20 days so I may call the office and have the nurse run it by her. The nurse practitioner there gave me her personal email address so I may do that instead.

In the meantime though, we go in next Monday for the 18 week anatomy scan where we will find out the gender!

I also finally received my home blood pressure cup after about 2 months of going back & forth with the medical supply company & my insurance. I do need to have it calibrated because I keep getting amazingly low readings that I could only wish were accurate!

I experienced a small amount of spotting & slight cramping Monday so I took it easy all day yesterday. I can feel my anxiety level increasing & I am scared as to how high it is going to reach in the coming weeks. Scared may be an understatement.

Blog Decision

2010-08-10T17:49:00.001-04:00

I put up a poll in a previous post to see what some followers thought about me either keeping one blog or creating a seperate one for the pregnancy. Here are the results:

After much thought I have decided to journal about this current pregnancy here on this blog. This was a difficult decision because I know I have readers who are at different stages of their grief. I recognize that reading about pregnancy may be too painful at this time for them. I did not read blogs that contained pregancy news or updates until I was pregnant myself. After announcing my pregnancy here I lost two followers. I understand.

As I stated in a previous post, I find it too difficult to seperate the grief of losing Janessa & the emotions that come from being pregnant. The two are very intertwined. Pregnancy after loss is an emotional & stressful journey. I find that journaling through my grief helps me tremendously & I can only hope it can do the same for me regarding this pregnancy.