May

Janessa's Garden

The month of May has arrived.

May brings warmer weather, flowers, the smells of spring, sunshine and new life.

New life. May did bring me new life. JJ was born on Thursday, May 29th in 2003. After that, May represented the time we recieved our most treasured gift in life. Our son. For whom we had a type of love we had never known before. I looked forward to planning each of his birthdays and those who know me in real life know I throw one heck of a party.

Six years later May brought me death. Thursday, May 14th, 2009 our beautiful daughter was born still after passing the day before. Holding her in our arms we once again felt the love of what only a parent could know but this time- May also brought us pain and sadness. Pain we never could have imagined. The worst type of sadness that exists in this world.

We buried our child on Monday, May 18th, 2009.

May and I now have a love/hate relationship. Each May we get to celebrate JJ. We give thanks that he is here and has filled our lives with such love and joy. Although I think he is growing too fast I still look forward to his birthday. A day just for him. A day that represents so much.

It is him who allowed us to keep trudging on through that pain. I am scared to think where I would have let myself go if he didn't give me reason to keep living.

But now each May I endure my daughter's birthday without her. I visit a cemetary instead of a party. I bring her gifts, flowers and balloons and hope no one takes them off her plot. We sing happy birthday to a cold headstone instead of holding our little girl in our arms feeling her warm arms around us.

The days leading up to her angelversary, birthday and each holiday are always worse than the actual days themselves. I can feel it- the extra weight on my chest, the tears building behind every blink, the sadness that I feel throughout my entire body.

I miss her so much.

We have planned out what to do on her birthday this year. We just have to work out the details. Last year we had a large memorial but this year will be low key. It will be her daddy, her two brothers and I spending the day thinking of her, celebrating our love for her and enjoying life that day--for her.

"As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us."
-Author Unknown