I had to stop at the lab for the drop off & also give some more blood. We grabbed a bite to eat & then headed up to Ultrasound.
As I sat in the waiting room with two other pregnant moms I couldn’t help but stare at them. I wondered how blissfully happy & excited they were. One was glowing from head to toe. If I guessed I would say she was in her late thirties. She was there with her husband. After awhile they were called into the genetic counselors office. She held tightly to her ultrasound pics & they walked calmly, naively & almost full of excitement into the counselor’s small office. A few moments later loud laughter broke out from behind the closed door. *Sigh*…*Phew*…I exhale. “Good results” I tell my husband who then looks at me like I am off my rocker. I was more nervous for that couple than I think they were for themselves.
I have learned that *I* can be that one in a ratio so I knew as they walked into that room for the results of whatever genetic test they had done, they too could be that “lucky” one. I have been opened up to the world where pregnancy doesn’t go as planned & where diagnosis’ are handed down to precious innocent babies who have not had a chance to live yet. I know that not all babies make it home.
I stared at the other mom who sat by herself. I wondered how she would feel if she knew our daughter died. I wondered if this was her first pregnancy. I wondered if she had lost any children herself. I now know that everyone’s story runs deep & long. I also know I may look at an expecting mother & wonder if she is as naïve as I was but I also know she too could have worn these pairs of shoes I walk in.
Another couple walked in to make an appointment. They were in their mid 20’s. Young, overly excited. She was skinny & wearing shorts & a cute little maternity shirt. I haven’t been able to wear shorts since I was pregnant with my son. The stretch marks scarred under my knees & thighs. Grr to woman who stay skinny while pregnant. Her husband was wearing a tight Mickey Mouse Shirt…..........that’s all I just wanted to tell you he was wearing a Mickey Mouse shirt & also bitch about how skinny his wife was.
We finally got called in for the scan. The tech was nice but she was rough! I have never had an ultrasound feel so brutal. My stomach is sore as I type this. We watched on & off for about a half an hour as the baby flipped around & around. He/She would not stay still long enough for her to get the measurement. She left the room twice to take a break & come back & see if the baby had calmed down. Even though it felt as though she was rupturing some of my internal organs I could’ve watched our baby on the screen all day. The profile is so cute. The little nose & mouth. I am in love.
The heart rate was 174 & I was measuring 11 weeks 6 days. Compared to the measurement at my last ultrasound the baby had a growth spurt somewhere & gained three days. The gave me a due date of January 14th, 2011. If I go by the ultrasound I am due January 15th.
Because we were unable to get the measurement I had to go have some more blood work done. They will test & get some genetic markers & go over the results with us. We do not have a reason to be overly alarmed about down syndrome or other chromosome abnormalities but we also know we are not in the clear of anything. This doctor offers this test to all her patients. It would have been nice to get the measurement for the NT scan. It would have been a relief to have a good result.
Here are some more pictures of our little “FlutterBug”.
Throwing up the peace sign
I go back on the 14th for a visit with our perinatologist. I like having these frequent visits. It brings some peace of mind.
I am torn on what to do as far as this blog. I know many of you who read & follow my blog have lost children of your own. Many of you are pregnant along with me but there are many more who have yet to receive their rainbow. Some of you are not ready to even begin that journey. I am debating having a another blog separate from this one for the pregnancy posts. I don’t want to steer anyone away from here because they are too uncomfortable with my pregnancy. The other part of me feels that Janessa is intertwined in this pregnancy so much that maybe this is the best spot to continue posting. In reality this pregnancy wouldn’t be happening if Janessa was here. The emotions & rollercoaster ride we are on is a direct result from Janessa’s death. So I pose the question to you. What should I do?