A Picture Worth A Thousand Words

Fear

I fear that when people see me smile they think I am all better.

I fear that each time I laugh I will always feel guilty.

I fear that each time I joke people think I am over the loss of Janessa.

I believe I have learned how to make jokes & laugh to cover up my pain. It is my coping mechanism right now but I fear that people misinterpret that.

I fear that people think that because Janessa never took a breath of our air that she never really existed.

I fear that because she never took a breath people think her death is easier to deal with than say a one month old.

I know they were not the ones who carried her for 7 ½ months & felt her move & kick. She very much existed in our lives, she was very much alive. She was already our daughter & part of our family. She was & is loved beyond measure. She did not need to take a breath for her loss to be considered “a death”.

I fear that some people think I should be over her death by now.

I fear that some people think I am over it too much already.

I fear that some people think that if they lost their child that they would not be able to continue living as I have.

I have to keep going. For our son, for my husband & for me. My body will not let me cry all the time. It is exhausted from this grief. I live on because I feel I have to live for both me & Janessa now.

I fear that some people think that I should keep my grief to myself because it makes others uncomfortable & that my open grief is for attention.

I fear that people will forget Janessa.

But I do know that we will never forget our baby. That she will be a part of every day of my life, forever and that is what truly matters..

I fear that if I become pregnant they will never mention her again.

I fear that if we have another child that people will think everything is better now.

But mostly what I fear is that I will forget special things about her.

How she would kick and move when I ate icecream while I was pregnant. How it felt the very last time I felt her move. Her hair, her little hands, her smell, her weight in my arms & how perfect she felt in them. Her beautiful little face & how I kept telling my husband how sad she looked & how he tried to make her lips “not sad”. How absolutely beautiful she looked in her casket. Her body was finally “filled out” due to the embalming & we got a glimpse of what she would’ve liked like. She was gorgeous.

I fear that I will always carry this heavy weight of sadness.

I fear that I will never fully enjoy something again because I feel her absence everywhere.

I fear that as each day passes she is slipping further away.

I fear this new life.

Lifted Spirits

As I have blogged before I had become scrooge this holiday season. I am still in that mindset but I am definitely not so far down as I was. This is due to some very caring people who have done some things to life my spirits.

A couple weeks ago a very sweet lady, Kim, who I graduated high school with, asked if she could drop something off for me. I had been in contact with her a lot since losing Janessa. She is one of the many people who shoot me an email or IM to check in with me. She recently became a mom to a beautiful little baby girl so I know she can only imagine being in my shoes. She came by my house one evening & brought me this:

How amazing is that? She used some of the photos I had posted to create the design & those are her little footprints. The design is Janessa’s nursery theme. I was so overwhelmed. I must of choked back tears a handful of times. I kept telling her I would try & not cry. We chatted for a bit & she left.

Here is where she had it made: Captured In Clay by Stacy Funk http://www.getcapturedinclay.com/ 1.804.564.5637

I have been blown away by the generosity & warm gestures from people. What amazes me more is that many of them are coming from acquaintances, old friends & even strangers. Kim & I were always friendly but in school we were not close. It takes someone with a huge heart to be so empathetic. The gift she brought for me is one of my favorite items I now have to hold Janessa’s memory. She was also the one who had made a donation to the Dempsey Burdick Memorial Foundation is memory of Janessa. I cannot thank her enough!

A family member, Lisa, awhile back had also brought me a silver necklace. It is a heart with a tear drop on one side & a poem on the other.

“If tears could build a stairway & memories a lane, I’d walk right up to heaven & bring you home again.”

I have always loved that. I tried to get a good pic of it but failed. I have it draped on the crystal cross in her curio case. Here is what I got:

Our sweet friend Felicia created a cyber event on face book for all our family & friends. She asked everyone to choose one ornament on their tree to dedicate in memory of Janessa. They are to take a pic & upload it to the event. At first I thought how wonderful it was that she was thinking of us & trying to do something to help us. I NEVER realized how much each dedicated ornament would lift my spirits. Each one makes me day a little better. She has about thirty something ornaments as of now. It is running through Christmas. Once the event is over I will be making a slideshow. I will post it here when complete.

My dear friend Julie went to see Janessa’s headstone & brought her a little Christmas tree. Isn't it cute?

My mom also brought Janessa a cute little Santa pick to decorate her grave for the holiday. I love it.

My grandmother called me to let me know she dropped off a snowman for her as well.

I cannot explain what it means to know people visit her & think of her. The little gifts left for her are so very nice.

I also went to decorate for Christmas. I decided on a wreath & chose the light green one. Green is her birthstone color. I love how it looks. I attached a Winnie the pooh holding a pink blankey. If she was going to be anything like me as a child (& Jayden) she would’ve had a blankey.

I also brought her, her very own Christmas tree & stocking. I decorated the tree with Disney princesses. Every little girl loves to be a princess & I grew up in love with all the Disney movies. I looked forward to watching all the girly Disney movies with her. Jayden refuses to put on anything slightly girly, lol. I was ecstatic to be having a girl. I dreamed of the mommy daughter things we would do together. The princess movies were only one.

I think her plot looks very nice.

I hate that this is my life now. I hate that with every season & holiday I have to think of what to bring to the cemetery instead of what new items or wardrobe she would’ve needed. It kills me. I hate that I will carry this heavy sadness & emptiness with me for the rest of my life. Some days knowing that is just as overwhelming as the moment I wake up each morning & remember she is gone.

Thank you to all who have reached out to us. You have helped me make it through this month more than you could ever know.

A Dear Blogger Friend

Last week I completed the 6th ELHAS video. It was for Sarah over @ When Life Gives You Lemons.

You can view her son Luke Gene's video over at the site. Click the button below & then find his name under completed videos on the right side of the page.


If you have not had a chance to visit her blog please do so. Sarah is a very sweet angel mommy & I am glad I have had the chance to get to know her.

December Never Felt So Wrong

I was visiting Once A Mother's blog earlier & she had the most beautiful song playing. It is called Winter Song. It is by Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson. It sums up alot of my feelings right now. Here is the video.



It reminded me of another song I wanted to post for everyone. It is also called Winter Song but it is by Sarah Mclachlan. It is beautiful.

I find alot of healing in music. It helps me express some of my emotions that I keep bottled at times.

Here is the other video:

Remembrance Candles

Last night was the 13th Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting. Its held in honor and remembrance of children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time it creates a virtual wave of light for 24 hours. Click Here to read more.

I lit a candle for Janessa as well as a friend’s son who had passed in May 1999. I also lit a candle for my good friend who passed away one month after our high school graduation.

I sent the pictures to both families. Doing that is healing for me & I know they appreciate their loved ones being remembered.

Here are the pictures.
 

The bear you see in the photos was the giveaway I won from Jill @ Footprints On Our Hearts. It was part of the 25 Dyas of giveaways that Tina is hosting @ Living Without Sophie & Ellie. It came with a beautiful memorial candle.

                                         

Thank you Jill we LOVE it! The giveaway is still going on & is open to all bereaved mommies. Click the button below each day to see where to go to enter.

 

13th Worldwide Candle Lighting Tonight!

As some of you may already know, tonight is the 13th Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting @ 7pm for one hour. Its held in honor and remembrence of children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time it creates a virtual wave of light for 24 hours. Click Here to read more.

We will be lighting a candle for Janessa & one for a friend's son who passed on May 2nd of 1999.

I thought that many of you would be interested in lighting one for your babies as well.